by Dharma Jensen

Created on: June 30, 2008

ANYTIME NOW

Its silent. Deadly silent. Her hair rests over the arm of the couch. Her blue eyes search the ceiling. Her mind is anxious and her body ready to react in an instant. She waits for these moments every week. The moments when he calls and she can hear his voice again. Now she holds back the tears as she thinks about the fact that he wouldn't be away from her if she would have done things differently. She knows that and no matter what any one says, she will always blame herself.

She shakes off those thoughts and sits up. Looking at the phone and begging it to ring, begging for him to call her NOW. She walks over to the phone and contemplates picking it up. What if the ringer is off and I miss his call? The ringer is on. Her fingers stroke the phone. If she picks it up and she hears the dial tone he could call. Then her line would be busy. He might think she was talking to some one else and never call her again. She couldn't live if she couldn't hear his voice.

Turning and walking into the spotless kitchen she has decided to make a strong drink. She pulls out a glass inspecting it. Remembering that he bought these glasses for her she wipes away a few more tears. This will get easier. I know it will. He said it would. She trusts his words even if she doesn't trust her own thoughts. There are so many things she could be doing right now. She needs to find something else to do with her time so she isn't waiting and being upset because of it. He will be back soon, I know he will.

Then she reaches for her poison of choice. She sees the empties that are stashed in the corner, covered in dust. Many of them are the first ones they bought and finished together. Those were good times. The times she recalls and lives on now that he is gone. Such simple things that keep their relationship alive now.

She grabs her shaker sighing loudly. She can't do anything without thinking of him. Everyday she awakes and feels the ring on her finger, reminding her of the promises she made to him. Those were some of the most difficult promises she made in her life but she has accomplished keeping them these first few months. That is a satisfaction that will reap its reward in time.

She steps out of her room and into the bathroom. It is littered with his things. Friends have asked her why she doesn't just put them away if it is so hard for her to see them. Because my home is his home. He is always with me when he is gone. She showers and smells his body wash. Today is the first day that

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