My earliest memory was of sexual abuse. No matter what anyone tells you, this will determine your actions, thoughts and way of life for a very long time. If you are not a strong willed person to begin with, it very well could destroy you. I'm telling this because it made me the person I am today. I judge no one.
As I grew into a teenager, I began to repress the feelings that consumed me because of what I was going through. I have done and seen things that no child of any age should ever have. I started drinking heavily by the age of 14 and frequented a lot of bars. Back then, it was very easy to go into a bar if you were female and looked like you knew what you wanted. I did. I never had trouble with the guys. I had anyone I wanted. After all, I had been taught at a very early age just what guys liked. I became whatever the situation called for. Females do this because they believe that this is what it will take to get attention. Most, not all, sexual abuse victims become very wild and unpredictable. Some go inside themselves and don't find their way out. This came later for me.
I was a very quick study of people. I watched everyone. Their body language and especially their eyes. It really is true that the eyes are the windows to the soul. I am now very adept at reading people. My children used to get angry with me when I would describe their friends personalities after a brief first meeting. I do this without concious thought now. When you learn to read people, it is easy to see when someone is not what they are presenting to you. Just because the person is not showing you who they really are does not make them bad people. Liars. You have no idea what has happened in that persons life to make them the way they are. Accept people the way they are. Don't judge. You may have to take back those words and you very well could have just made that person believe they are what they project to the world.
I became very self destructive. The only thing I can honestly say that I have never done, is illegal drugs. I was around enough of it with the people I felt were my safety net that I did not get into this. I was, however, into anything else. If any opportunity presented itself that everyone else was afraid to do, I was the first in line to try it. My mantra was always, "I'll try anything once, and twice if I like it". And I did. Throughout all of the abuse I put on my body, I watched others do some of the same things. Some of these people are no longer with us on this earth. There was no such thing as normal. Normal is a relative term at best. I began to learn how to go inside myself and shut out everyone and everything. I ran the extremes. I was either shut off or wide open and wild.
The older I got, the more I studied people and I learned to manipulate anyone I wanted something from. Abuse victims learn to do this because they do not believe that anyone would give them the time of day otherwise, much less an honest opportunity to do what it is they want. I manipulated my way through my life for many years before coming to terms with who I really was.
I managed to graduate high school without failing a grade and I actually had all of my credits. This was nothing short of a miracle for me. I was the only one in my family to graduate high school. I did not go to college. I had started working around age 11 and continued to work after high school. College was nothing but a very distant dream. When you get older, you begin to see things differently than when you were younger. I married right out of high school. I didn't love the guy I married, it was just my way of getting out of a bad situation. This is foolish and never turns out good. Not only is it foolish, with every bad decision you make, you hurt those around you along with yourself. I hurt a lot of people along the way and have had to say I'm sorry many times to these people.
I woke up one morning around the age of 22 or 23 and had a moment of clarity. I had been married a few years and had 2 children. I was hurting everyone around me, especially my children. I stayed with my husband for about 8 years and put us both through hell the entire time. Just because I had this moment of clarity did not mean that I was now ok in my mind. That was far from the case. I now had to struggle with everyday life in a way I never had before. I now had a concious mind and had to live with the regret I caused for every bad decision I had ever made and would make. I had some good days when I was a good wife and mother, but most were bad. Horrible is more like it. I put everyone around me through everything bad I was going through. It has taken me my lost youth and two marriages to finally find a peace I didn't know existed. I have made peace with my abuser. He has paid his dues for his crimes and has tried to make his life better. He is no longer an abuser. He is now a friend and a different person. I had to make peace with him in order to get my life back. I am not saying that this is what is right for everyone, but it was for me.
I am still married to my second husband because he allowed me to fight my way through the haze and come out of it without judging me. He supported me through my worst times and never let me down. I was very lucky that he came into my life. I have a deep seated belief in God our father and in His son Jesus Christ, our Savior. If not for this I would not have made it through the past few years. He knew what I was going through and He put someone in my path that would slow me down and ground me when I needed it most. I am very grateful for this.
I put my 2 children through so much because of my messed up mind. I did not trust anyone to understand what I was feeling. I didn't believe anyone would care. This is so wrong. There is always someone who cares, someone willing to listen and to give advice. We just need to let ourselves be open to these people coming into our lives. They are put in our paths for a reason. Don't let the opportunity pass by. It may not come again for a very long time.
I look back on my life now and I realize that I would not change a thing that happened to me. It has made me who I am today. I see people differently than most others. I look into them, not at them or worse, judge and dismiss them. There is something worth saving in everyone. Be the person that can help be a solution rather than the problem.