by Vickie Cawley

Created on: June 30, 2008   Last Updated: October 23, 2009

My earliest memory was of sexual abuse. No matter what anyone tells you, this will determine your actions, thoughts and way of life for a very long time. If you are not a strong willed person to begin with, it very well could destroy you. I'm telling this because it made me the person I am today. I judge no one.

As I grew into a teenager, I began to repress the feelings that consumed me because of what I was going through. I have done and seen things that no child of any age should ever have. I started drinking heavily by the age of 14 and frequented a lot of bars. Back then, it was very easy to go into a bar if you were female and looked like you knew what you wanted. I did. I never had trouble with the guys. I had anyone I wanted. After all, I had been taught at a very early age just what guys liked. I became whatever the situation called for. Females do this because they believe that this is what it will take to get attention. Most, not all, sexual abuse victims become very wild and unpredictable. Some go inside themselves and don't find their way out. This came later for me.

I was a very quick study of people. I watched everyone. Their body language and especially their eyes. It really is true that the eyes are the windows to the soul. I am now very adept at reading people. My children used to get angry with me when I would describe their friends personalities after a brief first meeting. I do this without concious thought now. When you learn to read people, it is easy to see when someone is not what they are presenting to you. Just because the person is not showing you who they really are does not make them bad people. Liars. You have no idea what has happened in that persons life to make them the way they are. Accept people the way they are. Don't judge. You may have to take back those words and you very well could have just made that person believe they are what they project to the world.

I became very self destructive. The only thing I can honestly say that I have never done, is illegal drugs. I was around enough of it with the people I felt were my safety net that I did not get into this. I was, however, into anything else. If any opportunity presented itself that everyone else was afraid to do, I was the first in line to try it. My mantra was always, "I'll try anything once, and twice if I like it". And I did. Throughout all of the abuse I put on my body, I watched others do some of the same things. Some of these people are no longer with us on this

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