by Vicki Brown

Created on: June 29, 2008

Ideally, men and women should communicate like two adults. Gender shouldn't make a difference. We do not live in Ideally(I think it's in Oklahoma) so we have to take gender differences into consideration when we are talking to (or trying to) a member of the opposite sex.

Now within the heading "Gender Differences" there is a subset we'll call "Personality Differences". My husband, for instance, is male but he is also an engineer. He was raised by a very strict father and not shown any affection. So, we have male, engineer, lousy childhood. Lots of "differences" there.

I am a woman. I am a homemaker, a writer, an English major in college, and was blessed to be raised by two loving parents who had expectations, not rules. Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear!

So, how do we communicate? Very carefully. We have learned each others hot buttons over the past 38 years. We've learned when to communicate and when to bury yourself in a book, good or bad. He's become a better listener and I've become less emotional. My Red Hat Society group title is The Drama Queen. It suits me to a T. Becoming emotional, i.e. crying, running upstairs and throwing myself on the bed just makes my husband less willing to talk. It took me awhile to figure out that while this had worked on daddy, my husband is nothing like my father.

My husband has become more open to my opinions and suggestions. He's learned to criticize less. I bought a small video camera recently. When I showed it to him, I said, "Please don't call it a piece of junk and that it will never work. I'm excited about it and just want you to show some enthusiasm." He responded, "Do I do that?" I answered, "Yes, a lot. And it hurts my feelings." He thinks the camera is the best ever. Personally, I think it's a piece of junk!

But the point I'm trying to communicate is this; men and women are different and people in general are different. Through give and take and seeing what goes and who goes, we find a common ground. My husband likes trains, model trains and real trains. I like riding on trains. I like dogs. No, that's not true. I LOVE DOGS! They are my passion. My husband likes dogs in a yeah-I-would-never-hurt-one kind of way but if he had his way we wouldn't have any dogs. What a sad house we would have. He knows that when we are out walking along the lake front there will be dogs and I will stop and greet them. He waits patiently. He doesn't get it but he knows that it makes me happy.

You rarely run into a train walking along by the lake but if we did I would let him spend time looking at it. He spends one night a week at Train Club and goes to various shows and conventions. I'm glad he has this hobby. He's even threatening to build one in the basement. It might be fun. Of course there will be dogs in the towns and on the farms.

This communication thing doesn't happen overnight. You work it out one fight at a time. We've been married 38 years and the last few have been filled with growth in this area. I realized that I was trying to change him into me. He realized that talking with me wasn't so bad. I think the first made the second easier.

At his father's then his mother's memorial services, I heard him and his siblings talk about being "nit-picked to death". An epiphany! That's what I had done or how it had felt to him. No more nit-picking.

I have a good relationship with my brother and my sons. I always had a great relationship with my dad. In fact, I've always gotten along better with men than with women. Hmmm, must write that down for next therapy session.

Learn more about this author, Vicki Brown.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.