by Erin Leger

Created on: June 28, 2008   Last Updated: June 29, 2009

Social Attention Deficit Disorder

Yes, I am making something up and diagnosing myself with it. It is the biggest problem I have related to my social anxiety because it is the only part of my anxiety that can hurt others.

I have almost been diagnosed with Schizotypal personality disorder, and I say almost not because it was dismissed but because I did not pursue the full diagnosis. I was sure that they'd diagnose me purely because of my beliefs which I should have just kept to myself. But I see myself in that disorder and I took the diagnosis whether official or not. Schizotypal PD is characterized by extreme social anxiety and awkwardness as well as some mild psychotic symptoms that could include delusions, magical beliefs, hallucinations, and disordered thought or speech. Depending on the day I can experience some, none, or all of those. The distinguishing feature, though, is, unlike in schizophrenia, the positive (psychotic) symptoms are usually not bad enough to interfere with normal functioning and the social anxiety is the only part that needs to be medicated. I currently am not medicated mostly because I don't like the idea of medication. I just usually avoid people when it gets bad or have my husband try to cheer me up when I'm depressed or I take melatonin when I get manic (which doesn't happen often). As far as hallucinations and such, they're just enough to almost be fun, so I don't worry about it.

Social Attention Deficit Disorder (SADD) is what I call how I function socially. I want to have friends, as I believe everyone does. As much as I hate people and am afraid of social situations I want to have friends. So I will make an attempt to befriend someone occasionally. I think I'm a pretty likable person once you get past the sarcasm which has turned off many a coworker. I can be a great friend. For a while. And that is the problem. I can get very close to someone and then I panic. Once they know too much or I let my guard down and relax around them I embarrass myself. I fear that they have a skewed view of me or I've presented a version of myself that I don't like. Once that happens I withdraw myself and may never talk to that person again. It's over.

Sometimes I'll be confident enough to make a small group of acquaintances and hang out with them regularly for a while, usually a few months. I might have one close friend in the group whom I stick to for security and make small talk with the rest. This has been easier in the past with drugs and alcohol,

• 1
• 2
• Next Page >>