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It's 2008 and here we are, still debating the most simple questions on race and diversity. It's a real shame.

Still, it's better to continue the debate than to stifle ourselves. Tensions do not go away; they simply boil under the surface until they explode.

Would I be the only one of my "race" in a neighborhood? I've done it, thrice.

- My family moved into a multicultural environment when I was 9 years old. It is a vibrant community containing many ethnic groups and cultures, but not our own.

- I grew up in that environment, then married into another race and moved to what was, basically, a one-race town with a couple of small immigrant enclaves. (But over the last couple of decades, the town's population has shifted mightily.)

- Being of mixed race, I find myself to be effectively the one-and-only in many groups and communities. This is changing, due both to major growth in the mixed-race population and growing awareness of our existence.

While it's tempting to toss in a poetic aphorism or two on how we could Just Get Along if our hearts are in the right place, here's the rock-bottom truth: Being The First is not easy.

I got stared at - sometimes yelled at - for walking down the street, and double stared-at if my husband and I were together. My right to be in this country (I'm a natural-born citizen) was questioned, sometimes in a foreign language (I speak English only, a fact of which I'm not proud). Suspicious eyes followed me down store aisles, and when I got to the counter, my money would be counted twice or more because surely, somehow, I had to be Up To No Good. All of these, among other joys.

And no, I don't dress in a way to provoke suspicion or hostility. I'm just, conspicuously, me.

Bigotry isn't always the culprit. Sometimes we talk about 'race' when we really mean 'culture.' The ways of others may irritate us, perhaps for reasons we can't even put a finger on. We, in turn, drive them completely up the wall, and we may be aware of that, but have no idea why. Subtle cultural differences in expression, such as eye contact, voice volume or physical distance can derail communication.

Or, perhaps, verbal etiquette varies in ways we don't expect. Everyone involved in a conversation may be on their very best behavior according to their cultural expectations, and every one of them may, unintentionally, offend each other deeply.

Differences in perception between individuals from more-privileged groups and those from less-privileged groups provide some of the biggest stumbling blocks to effective, respectful communication.

Members of more-privileged groups often don't feel - and indeed may not be - particularly privileged as individuals. They may be unable to see any advantages they grew up with, just as we cannot see the air we breathe. Conversely, those from less-privileged groups may see the more-privileged as living lives free of all care and trouble, with great powers always at their command.

My own experiences have taught me to remember always that other people's experiences are different from mine. When talking to another, I acknowledge this. If they want to share something of their culture with me, I listen. Then I share something of my own.

Learn more about this author, Marian Swift.
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