How to Parent Defiant Teens vs. How to Parent Oppositionally Defiant Teens

The definition of O.D.D. (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) describes an ongoing pattern of uncooperative, defiant, hostile, annoying behavior toward people in authority; behavior lasting over six months; behavior disruptive to the teen's normal activities of daily living and disruptive to family and school functions.

Comparing O.D.D. behavior to common teenage defiant behavior is an apples to oranges comparison.

To assume teenage O.D.D. behavior is "bunk", parentally controlled/induced or exaggerated is a naive over-simplification.

It is a mental health disorder which often coexists with other mood disorders and/or attention deficit-hyperactivity disorders. Treatment is necessary to ease the symptoms.

To parent a teen with O.D.D is a unique challenge requiring a great deal of love, patience, time, financial resources and energy.

The degree of defiance experienced by an O.D.D. teen and their family is atypical of the angst related to identity seeking, age appropriate, defiant teenage behavior.

My friend's adopted child was born addicted to crack and premature. The child has mild autism and O.D.D.

To draw comparisons between an O.D.D. teen and a typical teen is impossible; they are very separate situations.

Parenting an appropriately defiant teen is considerably challenging too. The parent(s) must be focused, attentive, and selfless. The old-school clichs of "be a parent, not a friend" and "lead by example", still apply.

At times, parents lay the groundwork for rebellion. Drug and alcohol abuse, neglect, and physical violence are some of the behaviors teens learn from adults. Defiance arises from the hypocritical double standards set by parents. "Do as I say, not as I do"...ridiculous! Permissive, over-indulgent parenting produces selfish, confused teenagers.

Bulldog parenting pushes a teen far away while watchdog parenting sets boundaries a teen can relate to. A wise parent realizes many variables influence a teen every day. Drugs, alcohol, self mutilation, eating disorders, physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, straight sex, gay sex, sex with a teacher, gang fights, kidnapping, murder, school shootings, terrorism, etc. There is a very fine line between allowing your teen to explore their independence and protecting them from danger.

The key to a successful parent-teen relationship is communication. Open-minded, fair, non-judgmental communication provides the safety net a teenager needs to grow. Teenagers will make mistakes, whether or not they confide in you and seek your advice depends on how well you listen.

To presume your teen is immune to the pitfalls of everyday life is just as naive as comparing O.D.D. behavior to age appropriate teen defiance. The most important thing to remember is to believe in the child and advocate for them until they can fend for themselves.

Learn more about this author, Kathy Mccan.
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