by Toni McKilligan

Created on: June 26, 2008

In today's world some marriages are given up on that are still quite salvageable. Others drag on long past their expiry dates. Not everyone knows when to give up and when to keep trying. There is no formula, no hard and fast rule to tell a couplethe correct time to end a marriage.

One problem with marriage is that there are two people who come from very different upbringings, bringing all sorts of pre-conceived notions about marriage with them. Initially, during the "ga-ga stage," where both are blinded to reality and "in love," the differences are either not noticed or not acknowledged. Eventually, though, the utopian veil parts and, as the old saying goes familiarity breeds contempt! The fight is on. The gauntlet is thrown down and a battle of will ensues.

This is not the end. It's the true beginning of things. This is when the couple begins to determine the roles that they will play that will balance the marriage and make for a lasting relationship. The key is to find that balance and it requires a good deal of both giving and taking to accomplish. The honeymoon is over; now begins the truly great part, namely the intimacy, trust and real love.

Marriages do not fall apart over night. No one wakes up one morning and says, "It's over," just like that. It actually takes time to come to that conclusion, though there are any number of hints along the way to it. When the balance begins to tip, there could be arguments. Fighting, though, is not necessarily a sign of the end. Arguing can clear the air and bring the couple back into balance. When it becomes the norm, however, and nothing gets resolved, it could be a good indication that things are not going to get better.

A good marriage is a partnership, and it also acknowledges the individuals. It is supportive, not controlling. Still there have to be some boundaries, some point at which a line is drawn that both partners can live with. Establishing these boundaries must be a cooperative endeavour. There is no room for one to make demands, unless and until the other crosses those lines. Even then, those demands have to be reasonable and take into consideration the impact that they will have on the other and on the marriage. Plucking new rules out of thin air and throwing them in the other's face is not conducive to a productive or lasting marriage.

Both partners have to make time for each other. They need to talk. They need to be able to feel absolutely safe in stating their positions on issues and emotions. They both

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