by Marlene Pyle

Created on: June 26, 2008   Last Updated: December 21, 2010

When I first learned of the affair, a friend who had also experienced this told me it would take a year until I felt "normal" again. I looked at her in disbelief and prayed that she was wrong. I remember thinking that there was no way I could possibly survive feeling this way for a year.

She was right, but I did survive. Don't get me wrong-not every day is horrible, there are a few decent ones thrown in there, just enough to make sure you don't give up, take to your bed and never get dressed again. Still, you pretty much just have to grit your teeth, bow your head and get through that first year.

It's not a smooth process. It's a series of two steps forward, one step back. Anything can trigger a painful memory and turn a good day into a lousy one-a song on the radio, a happy couple holding hands, his birthday or yours, an anniversary.

Talking to a counselor or therapist may help some people. For me, constantly rehashing the event and analyzing what had gone wrong seemed to keep me from moving past what had happened. I wanted to let it go, and I've never been the type to dwell on things. If you can't change it, all you can do is try to learn from it and go on with your life. That said, take it slow. You really can't rush the process, as much as you would like to. It simply isn't that easy. The wound is deep and needs time to mend.

Always an avid reader, I also tried the self-help books. Some of them are excellent, but the truth is, they can't tell you anything you don't already know. There is no magic potion to make you feel better.

Writing in a journal helps, as do long bubble baths and the support of your family and friends. But be careful here. They mean well, and because they care about you, they hate to see you in pain, but they don't always know what's right for you. They may insist you need dust yourself off and "get back out there," but don't let anyone push you to do so before you're ready. That can be devastating to an ego that is already bruised.

Take your time before jumping back into the dating scene. Your self-esteem has taken a serious beating, and you need to let yourself heal before you even think about seeing someone else. I let a well-meaning friend talk me into going out to a club with her, and it was a huge mistake-if you're already depressed, going to a bar can make you suicidal! Getting all dressed up to sit around waiting for some loser to ask you to dance could make the most confident girl feel like crawling in a hole. In your fragile state, it's deadly. Go shopping, see a movie, take a walk, get your nails done, but don't go to a bar, girls. That's just asking for a crying jag that will make your eyes red and puffy and send you straight to the freezer for a pint of ice cream. Besides, do you know anyone over the age of 25 who actually met a decent guy in a bar?

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