by Vonda J. Sines

Created on: June 26, 2008   Last Updated: May 25, 2009

There's a popular saying that insists if you wonder if a marriage is over, it probably is. However, since every relationship is different, it's unwise to generalize.

Often women sense that something in the dynamic they share with their spouse has changed, but they can't quite pinpoint it. They worry endlessly about whether the marriage is over and they just don't know it yet.

"Do you think he's really going to leave?" they endlesssly ask relatives, friends, acquaintances and even co-workers.

Some people believe - and I have certainly experienced it - that there's an instant when you just KNOW the marriage is over. It might be triggered by a major blowup or just a casual glance. Whatever it was, almost everyone whose marriage has ended other than by the death of a spouse has experienced it.

Most of us who want to believe our marriage is still viable play a number of head games with ourselves to try to make it so. There are many reasons for wanting to preserve a marriage beyond romantic attachment to a spouse. The welfare of our children is one. So is the economy. Religious beliefs, guilt, fear of failure and embarrassment are all imortant.

There are several ways to tell if a marriage is over. Among them:

1. One party moves out. It might be expected, or it might be a surprise. But gone is gone. When it lasts more than a few days, the relationship is probably finished, at least in emotional terms if not in civil records. A variation of this is frequent one-night absences or being unexpectedly served with divorce papers or a separation agreement.

2. Infidelity never gets properly addressed. He knows. You know. He knows that you know. But you don't discuss it. This is a clear indication that at least one or both of you aren't interested enough in the marriage to invest the time to try to deal with this painful issue and move forward.

3. Overnight travel. One partner starts to travel overnight frequently when it's clearly not required to keep a job. Returning home becomes just a layover between trips. Body language and conversation - or the lack of it - suggest being gone is more comfortable than being at home.

4. Communication changes. The spouses no longer look each other in the eye. One refuses to discuss anything important. Communication with the kids pretty much consists of yelling. There is little involvement with the children's schoolwork or activities.

5. Failure to deny destructive behavior. When confronted with observations of behavior that's destructive to the marriage, the partner doesn't deny it or act as if there's any intention to change it. You might see him or her in public with another partner and see no remorse when you bring it up. There is no apology for drinking too much or for any physical violence. Pleas to visit a counselor get repeatedly pooh-poohed.

6. Put-downs escalate. "You've gotten so fat." Or, "I'm talking to you, but you're incapable of listening." Attempts to seemingly belittle the partner ramp up big time. Often these are coverups for the guilt of wanting to leave.

7. The bank account is closed. And the money is gone. This is often the final sign that a marriage is over. Sometime it's preceded by checks made out to payees you don't recognize. Examples include an attorney or a financial advisor.

It's important to note that some marriages survive any or all of the signs above. This is why it's impossible to generalize or second-guess the fate of someone else's marriage.

Learn more about this author, Vonda J. Sines.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.