by Gina Alfani

Created on: June 26, 2008   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

It is a god given blessing to be a dad . . . to love and nurture an innocent life who did not ask to be born. No matter what the circumstance, they deserve love and affection and fathers should step up to their responsibility and care for the needs of the child, be there when they need you, make them feel like they can do anything their heart desires.

As I write this reflection on Father's Day, fathers all over the world celebrate one of the most important roles they will play in their life. The hype of the day took me back to memories of both my dads. In my case double trouble!

Although I would consider my adult life as charmed and blessed, my childhood was so much less than perfect. Primarily because I had two dads who really didn't want me.

It happens in life circumstances . . . immaturity, divorce . .. it really wasn't my mom's fault, she was just trying to survive. Back in the day a divorce was scandalous, so you know the situation was extreme!

Talk about jumping from the frying pan to the fire . . . she married a man who insisted on adopting me, giving me his name and raising me as his own. He provided for the needs of the family perfectly, thus believing his job was done.

So the deception began . . . I lived a lie, thinking that the most mean and hateful man that I will ever encounter in my life, who clearly hated my existence was my real father and wondering what I did wrong to make him hate me so much. If I mentioned this to my mom, she would say that my imagination was playing tricks on me . . . swept it under the rug as paranoia.

Hence the reason for not trusting my intuition as an adult.

So did his parents make me feel this way . . . but they LOVED my brother. I spent my childhood trying to make them love me, but no matter what, I was always wrong and didn't understand! Thank God I had my mom's parents to give me so much love and made me feel loved.

Grandparents are important to little kids!

It wasn't until I was a teenager, when my "real" dad, the immature, lazy bum that he was, crawled out of the woodwork, wanting to "stake his claim" and turned my young world upside down. Out of nowhere, this man showed up, creeping around my best friend's house, claiming to be my dad. My friend's parents meddled in the situation and made it possible without letting my mom and dad know about it. You can imagine the drama that followed when they noticed he was in the neighborhood and found him at my friend's house.

Needless to say I didn't see him again until as an adult, I wanted to know who he was so I would know who I am.

His showing up in my teenage years started a rebellious streak that caused all kinds of problems for everyone concerned. Although I was basically an obedient child since I was scared of doing anything wrong. It just developed a smart ass attitude that was mumbled under my breath that built up the hate and resentment between us. The attitude never went away . . .

The only good thing is that I now understood why my mere existence was resented so much. It all made sense to me and I really wasn't paranoid as my mom tried to make me think, but it also didn't make me feel any better that I had two dads who never really wanted me.

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