Is Parent Attitude the Key to Effective Discipline?
So many of us have heard over the years the flimsy "Boys will be boys" excuse when a young boy misbehaves. I've often wondered if it's just me who finds this excuse nauseating and a cop out - a lazy parent's response to their kid acting inappropriately. Or do others agree with me but don't have the courage to speak up?
I've been routinely shocked and disappointed as I've spent more time in the company of my oldest son and his friends in recent years. I've observed behaviors and heard language that I find unacceptable, yet other parents excuse away. One particular acquaintance has a child who by all accounts is overly physically aggressive. So much so that in recent years I've seen a gradual pulling away of other children as their parents seem to notice this behavior and are turned off by it. This is always the child who takes things a step too far. If someone accidentally bumps into him, he needs to punch that person back in retaliation. Once my youngest son almost tripped this boy's younger sister. It was completely accidental and warranted no further action. I was shocked when this boy then rushed up to my son and forcefully shoved him saying loudly "Don't put your hands on my sister!". I was further surprised when his mother then responded by saying with a smile "Oh, Johnny is so protective of Sally." Clearly, this mother didn't see the situation as I had. Rather than see this for the accident that it was, this child took this as his opportunity to show us all how tough he was. But to see his mother almost encouraging the behavior was what stuck with me the most. She didn't tell him he was wrong, she didn't make him apologize. Her inaction told her son that what he did was ok, maybe even expected. And with his parents' approval, he continues to do things like this on a regular basis.
His father, a good man really, has a known fear of his son becoming "a wuss". I've heard Johnny's mother mention that he doesn't make his bed or help clean up around the house. No, those are women's jobs. "Dave doesn't want Johnny turning into a wuss", I heard her say one day. So you mean to tell me, my son making his bed or cleaning up the mess he's made is a ticket to wussdom? Really? How interesting. No surprise, then, that I've seen him deliberately drop a candy wrapper on the ground rather than put it into the can right next to him. And when asked to please pick it up, he looks at the adult speaking as if to say "Are you talking to ME?" Clearly, his parents' attitudes are negatively affecting this child's response to discipline.
Another recent event that left me almost speechless (very hard to do) was the day I drove my son and 7 of his friends, ages 9 and 10, to a birthday party. I knew the car would be loud. And I expected noise and bad smells. Those are be parts of most boys' DNA. I'm ok with that. As we drove along the boys were tossing a ball of newspaper around the car and began taunting each other. It started off harmless enough but escalated quickly until one boy sitting directly behind me called one of the other boys in the car a "faggot" and a "dickhead". I was flabbergasted. I don't know - maybe I'm naive and maybe other parents accept their kids using this language. Maybe this isn't as shocking to some people as it was to me but quite honestly, I wanted to pull the car over and toss this child out onto the curb. I looked at him in my rearview mirror and said "No way can you use that language in this car. No way." Thinking that this child was at all affected by the reprimand I just gave him was foolish on my part. Literally seconds later I heard him use the words again. I was furious. Furious at his lack of respect for me as an adult, furious at his defiance of my direct command to not use that language, furious that he was using those words in front of other kids who don't talk that way. Who did this kid think he was? Again, I made eye contact with him and said "I'm telling you for the last time, DO NOT use that language in my car. I know the parents of the other boys in this car don't use language like that at home and neither do we. I don't know what you're allowed to say at home but you can't say that when you're with me". I couldn't get this kid out of my car fast enough and made the mental note that this child would never be welcome in my home. Subsequent conversations with friends about this incident and his response (lack of response, really) to my attempt at discipline were cleared up when I heard his mother's explanation of most of his bad behavior. "Oh, Jimmy has older cousins who are always saying bad things around him. That's where he gets all that." Rather than let Jimmy know that it matters not at all what his older cousins say and that he is a child who has rules regarding appropriate language and behavior, it's all excused away like nothing. Oh, pardon me. The older cousins surely are at fault here. Not the mother who refuses to deal with her child and his potty mouth.
Most recently, it was my daughter's close friend who disappointed me more than anything else. My daughter and she had had a disagreement with a third girl at school. The disagreement escalated to the point that the third girl told the teacher that they had called her a name for which my daughter and her friend received a detention. I had no problem with this. I'm all for kids having consequences when they do something wrong or unkind. After their detention, my daughter and her friend were walking to the car a few steps ahead of me and I overheard her friend say of the third girl "She is such a f- b-. My mom says so, too". They are 11! I would never have used that language at 11, much less in front of a good friend's mother. I would have been killed for using that language. Yet, this kid said this with as much ease as if she was ordering lunch or talking about the weather. I said "Uh, I'm right here. I can hear you, you know". She looked only mildly affected by my gentle reprimand, smiled at me and said "I'm sorry, but it's true". Wow. Just, wow. This comes from a child whose mother is known to have the "not my child" syndrome. As in, my child never says bad things. My child is never mean to others. It's everyone else who is misbehaving. Her parents clearly don't discourage this language at home since she used it in front of me with great ease. No shame at all.
My daughter and I had a talk about this later in the day. I said "I was a bit surprised at the..." "Mom, I know!" , she said before I even finished my sentence. "I couldn't believe what she said in front of you either." I was glad to see that she and I were on the same page although I reminded her that what her friend said was wrong whether an adult heard it or not. She agreed with me but did again express surprise that her friend was so bold and she even apologized on her behalf. I'm sure some parents would feel honored that a kid would feel "comfortable" enough around them to let their guard down and just speak freely. But like my mom always said to me, "I'm not your friend, I'm your mom". I hated her for saying that as I was growing up but now I get it. I don't need to have these kids speak to me as if I'm one of their peers. I'm not. I'm the mother of one of their peers and I expect them to show me the respect I deserve.
Let me emphasize - my family is as chaotic and imperfect as they come. My kids are no angels. We don't eat organic food. I didn't breastfeed and we eat Mc Donald's. My house is a mess and I'm not the mother of the year. My kids fight a lot, they can be rude and they have been disrespectful to me at times. But our kids do know there is a line they are not to cross and that if they do, a price will be paid. We don't need them to prove their toughness by pounding on people with no real cause. Our sons will not turn into henpecked husbands for helping around the house. They don't need to be cool for our benefit by using shocking language. And they know that if they do any of these things, they will be held accountable and punished accordingly. We refuse to blame bad behavior on anyone else and will not attribute bad behavior to a boy just being a boy, a pre-teen or a kid. If the mother of the child who shoved my son would discourage his physical aggression rather than seemingly encourage it, maybe this kid would be better liked instead of being known as a punk. If the kid in my car would be punished by his mother for using dirty language maybe he'd be welcome in more homes rather than being known as a future criminal. If my daughter's friend was met with strong consequences for speaking in front of me the way she did, maybe our society would be just a tiny bit more civilized. It's time for parents to parent again. It's that simple.