BILLY
Billy and his mother were preparing for their move to his grandparents' ranch in Billings. At five years Billy only knew what a house was; he had never seen a ranch. And he only knew his grandparents through pictures he had seen, but he had never seen them in person. Billy's grandparents had been angry with Billy's mother for all of Billy's life; Billy's mother explained that they were angry with her because she had married Billy's father; Billy's father was Black while Billy's mother was White, and Billy's grandparents didn't believe in "interracial" marriage. Billy was both Black and White. But Billy was confused; if his grandparents didn't believe in "interracial" marriage, how would they be able to believe in Billy? Why, he wondered, were he and his mother going to a place that didn't believe in them? To be with people who didn't like what they had done, or who they were?
Billy had been acutely aware that both his parents had been arguing with one another much more lately than they ever had before. They had tried to hide their arguments from Billy, but he knew; kids always knew. His grandmother had tried to kill herself; that much Billy had heard through listening at the door to his parents' bedroom. His grandmother had tried to kill herself, apparently, because his mother and father were married. Billy could not understand. Why would his grandmother want to die? But Billy's mother felt guilty about what Billy's grandmother had done; she believed that she needed to go back home and take care of her family.
"But we're your family." Billy's father had said.
The night before Billy and his mother were to fly from San Francisco to Billings, which was in Montana, which was where his grandparents' ranch was Billy lay in his bedroom for what he knew would be the last time. He couldn't sleep. His mother and father had both explained that Billy and his mother were just going to go to Billings for a little while, and that after everything was okay with Billy's grandmother, they would come back home.
"How long will it take for grandma to be okay?" Billy had asked.
What they had said was that Billy's father would visit at Christmas, and that then they would come home. But somehow, Billy knew that this would never happen. How could Billy's father go to a house where he wasn't wanted? All that Billy knew was that he was losing his father.
The next morning, as the three of them prepared to leave for the airport, Billy felt a powerful pain in his chest each time he looked at his father; "so this is what a broken heart feels like." Billy said to himself. Billy spent the entire morning fighting back tears; he didn't want his mother and father to know how bad he felt. He did everything he was asked to do as quickly as he could, so his parents would believe that he was okay.
As they were leaving the house, Billy's father pulled a blue balloon from his pocket, and blew it up. He then tied the bottom of the balloon tightly, and then tied a long white string to the end of the balloon. "Here you go Billy." His father said as he handed the balloon to Billy. Billy took the balloon from his father. He stared at the balloon. "Now," he thought, "I will always have something of my daddy's; I will always have his breath. His breath will always be with me in this balloon." Billy held the balloon tight. He promised the balloon that he would never let anything happen to him. Now Billy felt as though he would have his father's spirit with him, watching over him.
All the way in the car, as they all three drove to the airport, Billy protected his blue balloon. Billy kept his balloon low, so that it would not obscure his father's sight of the rear view mirror. Billy gently held his blue balloon between his knees, keeping his eyes on it all the way to the airport. In this way, Billy could keep his eyes off of his father, off of his father's hands as they gripped the steering wheel. His father was an ironworker on the Golden Gate Bridge, so his hands were rough, and they looked older than the rest of his father did. Billy could not keep his eyes from looking of the back of his father's head, of his hair line, which was always cut sharp and straight off of his neck. Billy silently talked to his balloon; he told his balloon not to worry; he told his balloon that despite all the evidence to the contrary, they would both be okay.
The three of them, and Billy's balloon, reached the airport just in time to board the plane. There was no time for long good-byes. Billy believed that his parents had planned their arrival time for just this reason. Billy had just enough time to give his father a quick hug, and then rush off with his mother pulling him along as he held tightly onto his balloon. As his mother pulled him through security, Billy looked back to see his father turn and walk away; his shoulders were bent forward; his head was down; he looked old and sad. Billy fought back tears; feeling a huge, painful lump in his throat. Then he heard his balloon speak to him in a reassuring voice; "everything is going to be okay Billy, remember?" "Yes, I remember," he answered his balloon, remembering that that was what he had promised his balloon.
Once they were through security, they went on to find their gate; gate 53. As they arrived at their gate, they saw that passengers were already boarding, so Billy, his balloon, and his mother got in line and slowly moved along with the crowd with which they would fly to Billings, Montana. The flight attendant who took their tickets was impressed by Billy's balloon. "My father gave it to me." Billy told her. "My father's breath is inside." "Oh really," she said. Billy felt that she didn't fully understand the importance of having his father's breath.
Billy, with his balloon, and his mother walked down the connector, and then onto the airplane. There, at the door, they met another flight attendant. She told them that they were the last to board, so they would be given special seats. In fact, they were given the seats that the flight attendants usually used. The seats pulled down from the wall of the plane and faced sideways. They had seatbelts that crossed over one shoulder instead of their waists. And they were right next to the door to the plane.
Billy and his mother sat side-by-side. It seemed to Billy that right after they sat down, the plane took off. This was the first time Billy had ever flown in a plane; he would have been excited under different circumstances, but now he just held onto his balloon, and felt his breaking heart.
After a while, a flight attendant came over to Billy carrying another balloon! It was black, and it rose in the air by itself.
"Would you like this balloon too?" He asked.
Billy was surprised. How could a balloon stay up by itself?
"How does it stay up by itself?" Billy asked the flight attendant.
"Oh. It's because it's filled with a gas called helium, and helium is lighter than air, so the helium makes the balloon rise."
"I never heard of helium before." Billy said, feeling a bit suspicious about this new information. How could there be something that existed that Billy didn't already know about?
"Would you like the balloon?" The flight attendant asked again.
"I have to ask my balloon first." Billy answered. Billy asked his balloon what he thought
about having this new black balloon join them. His balloon answered that he and the new black balloon had already been talking, and that they would both be happy to be together.
"My balloon says it's okay mister. Thank you."
"You're very welcome." The flight attendant said, handing the black balloon to Billy.
Billy took the new balloon and brought it close to his blue balloon.
"Hi." Billy said to the new black balloon.
"Thank you for taking me," said the black balloon.
"That's okay," said Billy. "It was really up to blue balloon though."
"Thank you blue balloon." Black balloon said. "So why don't you float?"
"Because I'm filled with Billy's father's breath. I'm carrying part of Billy's father's soul."
"Wow! What an honor. I never carried anyone's soul before. What does it feel like?"
"It feels like I have a purpose; I mean I know that all balloons have a purpose, but I feel like I have a special purpose-to carry Billy's father's soul to Billy's new house, and to keep his soul close to Billy for the rest of Billy's life."
"That is a special purpose." Black balloon said. "I never met a balloon with a special purpose like that before."
And just as black balloon finished saying this, three birds appeared in the plane. They were yellow and as large as owls. They did not need to flap their wings to remain in the air; instead they simply hovered. They floated over to Billy and hovered next to black balloon.
"Hi black balloon." They said. "You are beautiful."
Black balloon answered "I may be pretty, but I'm sitting next to a balloon who has a real purpose in life; can't you see him; can't you see blue balloon?"
"No," said, the yellow birds, "we only see you; we see no blue balloon." And then the yellow birds floated away.
"Don't feel bad blue balloon." Black balloon said. "Others will see you, and see your purpose. I do."
"Of course they will," said Billy.
"I know," said blue balloon, "a balloon having a special purpose is-well special; not everyone can see it right away."
And just as blue balloon finished talking, a swarm of tiny black birds surrounded black balloon. They looked very much like humming birds; except that they were as black as night.
"You are so beautiful." They said to black balloon. They swarmed around black balloon as though they were tiny fish in water. "What keeps you floating?" They asked black balloon.
"Helium," black balloon said. "But I'm sitting next to a balloon who has a special purpose; don't you see him?"
"No," they answered, "we only see you." And they swarmed away.
Blue balloon was beginning to feel bad. Maybe he didn't really have a special purpose after all. Or maybe having a special purpose wasn't really that big of a deal.
Black balloon sensed what blue balloon was feeling. "Blue balloon," he said. "Don't let these silly birds make you doubt yourself. You do have a special purpose, and that purpose means a great deal."
"That's right." Billy said. "Remember how much I'm counting on you to carry my daddy's spirit for me. Without you I will never have my daddy again."
"That's right." Blue balloon said as he regained his confidence. "That's right; I do have a special purpose. Thank you black balloon. Thank you Billy."
Yet, just as soon as blue balloon had finished speaking, three bright red birds came up to them. The three red birds floated on their own tree branch. They did not have to flap their wings at all because the branch was a magic branch and it kept them in the air much like a flying carpet.
"Hello there black balloon; you are the most beautiful thing we have ever seen, and we have floated all over the world."
"Thank you red birds, but I am here with blue balloon, and he is a balloon with a purpose. Surely if you have floated all over the world you can see this balloon; you can see a balloon with a purpose."
"No," said the red birds. "We cannot see the blue balloon. We can only see you. Besides, there is no such thing as a balloon with a purpose. Balloons were only made to look pretty; they have no other purpose; you should know that black balloon." And the red birds floated away.
Both black balloon and Billy looked at blue balloon. "I'm okay," Blue balloon said. "I know I have a purpose. I can feel it now, so no matter what anyone says, I know."
Billy and black balloon smiled. "I love you blue balloon," said Billy.
"I love you too," said blue balloon.
"I am honored to know you both," said black balloon.
Immediately, the flight captain's voice came over the speaker in the plane. "We will be landing in Billings in just a few minutes. Flight attendants will be making their final pass through the plane. Please buckle your seat belts, put your trays up, and place your seats upright. Thank you for flying with us today." She said.
Billy, and black balloon, and blue balloon just looked at one another. They were all thinking the same thing; what would happen now?
As they sat together, the plane slowly descended. Billy could feel the descent in his stomach. He was feeling sort of sick. He looked down at his feet, trying to still the nausea he felt.
Suddenly, blue balloon cried out, "Billy! What's happening to black balloon?"
Billy looked up at black balloon. Black balloon was shrinking! Billy could see wrinkles in black balloon's skin.
"Black balloon!" Billy cried out. "What are you doing?"
"I think that I am dying Billy," said black balloon.
"No black balloon! Please don't die". Billy pleaded.
But there was nothing that anyone could do. The helium in black balloon; the helium that gave black balloon life, could only last for just so long, and now that the plane was descending, the pressure of the air on black balloon was pushing the helium out of him much faster. Black balloon was shrinking faster than he might have if he had lived his life on the ground.
Billy felt the familiar lump in his throat; he felt his heart breaking again, but this time he did not hold back his tears. Slowly Billy's eyes filled and then over flowed. He held black balloon in his lap.
"I love you black balloon." Billy said, as one of his tears dropped right onto black balloon. And as the tear fell onto black balloon, black balloon began to squirm. In fact, black balloon began squirming so much that Billy could not hold onto him any longer, so Billy let go, and he watched with wonder as black balloon turned from a balloon into a giant, beautiful black bird.
"Oh my!" Said Billy.
"Thank you Billy." Said the black bird who was once the black balloon. "You saved me." And the black bird flew away.
"Did you see that blue balloon?" Billy said, looking over at blue balloon. But to Billy's horror, blue balloon was dying too.
"Blue balloon! What is happening? What are you doing?"
"Billy I'm dying too. The only way you can save your father's spirit is to open me up and breathe in the last of his air. That way his spirit will always be in you. But you have to hurry; I don't have much time left. Untie the string, and then the knot at my end and suck out all of the air-hurry!"
Billy did as blue balloon instructed him too. He had some trouble with the knot, but he got it untied, and then he put the hole to his mouth and sucked in all of his father's breath, his father's spirit. When he was done, blue balloon lay flat and lifeless on Billy's lap. Billy's heart was truly broken now, and he had no more tears left to cry.
At some point, Billy realized that the plane had landed at the Billings airport. His mother roughly dragged Billy off of the plane and into the Billings terminal.
"What did you do to your balloon?" She said sharply, as she grabbed the blue balloon from Billy and threw it into a nearby garbage can, pulling Billy along as she did so.
Billy was stunned. He couldn't lose blue balloon, but what could he do now. He tried to pull away from his mother, but she had his hand in hers so tight that he couldn't get free. Billy had never felt such panic in his life. He knew that he could not leave this airport without blue balloon.
Suddenly, his mother came to a stop. Billy looked up. He saw is grandmother and grandfather. Of course, thought Billy, they would be here to pick them up. Billy's mother let go of Billy's hand and stood before her parents. She looked like a guilty child.
Billy took off running. He headed straight for the trash can. Once he arrived, he looked in and there was blue balloon. Billy picked him up and put him in his pocket and then ran back to his mother and grandparents, who were all still hugging; no one had missed him at all. Billy knew he wouldn't leave this airport without blue balloon, and he was right.
His grandparents helped Billy and his mother pack all of their things into their big truck. And then they all drove out to his grandparents' ranch. Billy's mother and grandmother were silent throughout the entire drive.
It was a "big spread" as his grandfather called it. Billy was shown his new bedroom. It was okay. They all had supper together; his grandmother was a much better cook than his mother was.
After supper, Billy went out to the "back 40" as his grandfather called it. It wasn't really 40 acres, but it was a lot of land; so much land in fact, that Billy couldn't see the end of it. Billy walked over to the fence that his grandfather had told him went all the way around the ranch. Billy leaned against it, and then reached into his pocket and brought out blue balloon. He laid blue balloon on the fence rail. He missed both blue balloon and black balloon. He missed his father.
He thought about his father, about how he was all alone in their big house, about how he would have eaten alone, about how each time he would pass Billy's room, he would miss Billy even more. Billy felt his eyes well up with tears again; he felt the familiar knot in his throat, and Billy let his tears spill over. As Billy cried for his father, one of his tears dropped on blue balloon, and unbelievably, blue balloon began to squirm. Billy stepped back several feet, and then he heard a cawing from above. Billy looked up and saw black bird; the same black bird, who used to be black balloon circling above him. Billy then looked at blue balloon and saw that, to Billy's amazement, blue balloon had become a beautiful blue bird.
"Thank you Billy," said the blue bird. "You brought me back to life."
The blue bird flew up into the air to the black bird. Together the two birds circled Billy, diving and rising. After a while they both landed on the fence post.
The black bird said, "we will always be with you Billy. You gave both of us purpose."
"Yes." Said the blue bird. "Few beings are lucky enough to be given a purpose in life. Thank you for giving us ours."
Billy said, "I am honored to know you both."
And the two birds did stay with Billy.
They were there as Billy began Kindergarten at the school several blocks from his house. They were there each morning before Billy left for school. They were there each afternoon when Billy came home. They were there each night after Billy had dinner, and just before he went to bed.
Both blue bird and black bird would fly down from the sky to meet Billy, and together they would talk about all of the things that Billy was doing. For example, Billy was trying to make friends at his new, but making new friends was hard to do. All of the children in Billy's class already knew each other, so Billy was left out because he was "the new kid." Plus, Billy was the only kid in his school who was both Black and White. All the other kids were only one color or another; none of them were two colors. Some of the kids even teased him about being two colors.
Billy couldn't tell his mother about his troubles at school. Ever since they had arrived at his grandparents' house, his mother had been so very sad. Billy would take her by the hand some days when he returned from school, and bring her out to the "back 40." He introduced his mother to black bird and to blue bird. He did not tell her that each bird had once been his balloons; his mother was too sad to hear "such nonsense." That's what she called anything that she couldn't believe.
Billy had tried to tell some of the kids about how blue balloon and black balloon had turned from balloons into birds as he had moved from San Francisco to Billings, but none of the children that Billy told believed him.
"That's stupid." One boy said, "balloons don't talk, and they can't turn into birds; you're making up make-believe "baby" stories."
"I'm not either," Billy had protested. But, after telling his story, Billy was pretty much ignored by most of the other kids. Billy ended up feeling stupid for telling the other kids about blue balloon and black balloon.
"That's okay," black balloon said. "At least you tried to tell other people about us. Not everyone can believe in magic, and not everyone realizes their purpose."
"That's right," said blue balloon, "if you can't realize you have a purpose, you pretty much can't see that others have a purpose too."
"I guess." Billy reluctantly agreed. But he wondered what his purpose was.
Billy still felt the same at Christmas break, when Billy's father came for a visit. Billy's mother was so happy to see Billy's father, and so was Billy, but they were the only ones who were.
Billy was perplexed by the way the holiday season was celebrated in Billings; it was so different from the way Billy had seen the holiday observed in San Francisco. In San Francisco, there were not only Christmas festivities, but also Hanukah, Kwanza, and even Buddhist gatherings. In Billings, Billy only saw Christmas commemorated. And boy was it ever commemorated!
It seemed to Billy that nearly every house was decorated inside and out with a startling array of Christmas decorations. Some houses even had tributes to the birth of Jesus on their front lawns. And one of the traditions observed during the Christmas holiday, was to drive around at night and look at all of the houses that were so wildly ornamented.
Billy's father had arrived the day before Christmas Eve. He looked older to Billy, but Billy was so happy to see him. As soon as he could, Billy took his father out to the "back 40" to meet blue bird and black bird. Once Billy and his father were alone out back, Billy explained to his father what had happened to blue balloon on the airplane. And as Billy and his father stood there talking, blue bird and black bird flew down from the sky.
Billy introduced his father to blue bird and to black bird.
"Hello," Billy's father said to them both. It's an honor to meet you."
"The honor is ours," said blue bird; "I would have no purpose if it weren't for you."
"And I would never have known that balloons and birds, and everyone else has a purpose if it hadn't been for you," said black bird.
"I used to think that I had a purpose," said Billy's father. "But now I'm not so sure of that." Billy's father looked up into the sky for a long while.
Billy, blue balloon, and black balloon did not know what to say.
After some time, Billy's father said, "it looks like it might snow tonight; we will have a "white" Christmas."
On Christmas Eve, right after dinner, everyone decided it was time to go driving to look at all of the decorations. Many of his mother's relatives were at the ranch, uncles and aunts, and cousins, and so on. Excitedly, everyone bundled up and headed for the door. Outside were parked a line of cars, and everyone started piling into them.
Billy was trying to stay close to his father, but somehow they became separated by the rushing crowd of relatives. Billy suddenly found himself in the back seat of one of the many cars looking out of the rear window as the car drove off leaving his father behind. Billy locked into the look on his father's face; it was a look of deep sadness and humiliation. Billy's father's expression looked as though he had come face-to-face with invisibility; Billy's father seemed to realize that, he did not only have no purpose, he also had no reflection.
Billy felt the earth being pulled away from, as the car in which he had been imprisoned, roared to life, and drove away. Billy watched as his father grew smaller, and farther away.
Billy saw all of the Christmas decorations through tear-filled eyes. He kept gulping for air. He was surrounded by people who could not truly see him because they could not see his father at all.
When Billy and his relatives returned home, Billy found that his father had gone. His father had left Billy a note explaining that he had had to go back home, but that he loved Billy very much and always would.
Billy went to blue bird and black bird for consolation.
"My heart keeps breaking all the time." Billy told blue bird and black bird. "How many times can a heart break?"
Both blue bird and black bird felt sad for Billy, but neither of them knew what they could do to help Billy feel better. Nothing either of them could say anything that would answer Billy's question.
During the week after Christmas, Billy still felt very sad; he could feel nothing but his need for his father. Each time he remembered the way his looked standing on the sidewalk as Billy drove away, he would ache deep within himself. Billy's mother missed Billy's father too. She cried most of the time during that week.
"We're in prison Billy." She said. "We never should have come here."
Then, on New Year's Day, while everyone was quietly celebrating the beginning of a new year, Billy sat in his grandfather's den watching TV. He felt so lonely that he could not speak or move. As he sat with his pain, barely paying attention to the show that was on, a newscaster interrupted the program.
"We have an amazing bit of video for you this New Year's Day folks. We had to break in to share it with you. What you are about to witness is truly a miracle."
The next scene was a shot of the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. "That's where daddy works!" Billy thought, as he saw the image of the bridge. Billy perked up. He was now focusing all of his attention on the TV.
"Apparently," the newscaster continued off-screen, "an ironworker on the Golden Gate Bridge climbed up the north tower of the bridge today, and he intended to simply jump to his death. But watch this folks, watch what actually happened."
Billy watched as he saw his father standing on the north tower of the bridge. "No Daddy!" Billy cried out. Billy watched as his father raised his face to the sky, reached his arms out to his sides, and then dove from the tower toward the water.
Billy watched in horror, as the newscaster narrated. "Now watch closely folks, this is amazing." And what Billy saw was amazing. In mid-dive his father seemed to transform right in front of the camera from his father into a large red and yellow bird. Half-way to the bay, his father, now a beautiful bird, changed direction and flew up into the sky and away into the distance.
"Did you see that!" The newscaster asked excitedly. "We'll run it again so you can see this; remember this truly is a miracle."
Billy was no longer watching. He rose quickly and ran to get his mother. He pulled her outside with him so he could tell her and blue bird and black bird what he had just witnessed on TV, to tell them all about his father.
Once he got outside, he was so surprised to see a third bird, a new bird, a beautiful red and yellow bird flying with black bird and blue bird. As Billy ran out to meet his friends, black bird landed on the fence rail first.
"Billy!" Black bird cried out. "Do we have news for you!"
Billy looked up at his mother. She was staring at this new bird. She was crying.
"Mother," Billy said, "I have to tell you something about my birds, and I have to tell you something about Daddy."
"I know Billy." She said, looking down at Billy. "I've always known." She looked up into the sky at the new bird. The new bird circled, swooped and then landed on the fence post next to blue bird and black bird.
"Now," said the new bird, "I can be with you always."
Almost instantly Billy's mother began to shake. In complete wonder, Billy watched at his mother transformed into a beautiful white dove. As she transformed, she quivered, and then sought her wings, finding them, she flew, awkwardly at first, and then with incredible gracefulness. She soared into the sky as though feeling freedom for the first time in her life. After many minutes of soaring, while Billy, black bird, blue bird, and the new bird, who was his father, watched, she came down to the fence post. She sidled up next to the bird who was Billy's father.
"I am honored to know you." She said. "Thank you for coming back for me, now we can be together forever."
"I love you all." The bird who was Billy's father said. "Now we're a family."
Billy's grandparents never understood what had happened to their daughter; she had simply disappeared without a trace. So had Billy's father. Billy's grandparents thought that maybe they had simply run off together, and that they had left Billy behind.
And over time, they came to accept and then to love Billy as their grandson. They had more difficulty though accepting the fact that the only friends that Billy appeared to have were four odd looking birds who had made their home within the "back 40."
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