by Lisa Doherty

Created on: June 24, 2008   Last Updated: July 02, 2008

Open marriages were touted in the 1970's as the cure for the common marriage. However, what was not factored into this arrangement was that when marriages open up to let others in, the monogamy and bonds that are supposed to be strengthened in a committed relationship are ripped apart at the seams.

When I met Walter, I loved him immediately. There was an age difference, as I was born in the 70's and he was living full swing during that time. The difference in age didn't really matter, but the way we defined relationships certainly did. When we married, I never dreamed that bold faced adultery, disguised as being "open and honest" with your partner, would even be an option. When he suggested that we "swing" it only raised questions for me as to what was wrong with me and why I wasn't enough for him. No matter how open and trusting marriages are, open marriages usually lead to these questions. Those questions were compounded by the nauseating fact that he could contemplate sharing me with another man, which really broke my heart that I meant so little to him. He was upset with my refusal, but let's take a closer look at his history to see how it worked for him in the past.

Walter met his first wife at a concert. They married when she became pregnant. As a musician, he was used to invitations from women and would invite them to join him and his wife in bed. She didn't mind or wouldn't say she did for fear of losing him. They frequented swinger's bars and brought strangers home. After years of this, the trust disintegrated and they no longer desired each other. Each one represented the hassles of "regular" life. Looking at each other, they saw the mortgage, or the financial worries, or the kids. They thought they found escape from all that in the arms of others and told themselves it was alright because it was out in the open. They divorced when she found someone else.

His second marriage did not fare any better. They began swinging immediately and both appeared happy with this situation. They would bring other couples home and trade off, believing that they were sexually inhibited and free. It ended when she left him for someone who wanted her all for himself.

With two prior failures I was astonished that I was the only one who could see the problem. Open marriages do exactly what they claim. They open up a unit of two and insert strangers. This forces a chasm that grows larger and larger with each new partner and the sharing of the intimacy that was reserved for one person is reduced to a physicality that can be shared with anyone.

Human beings are creatures who are meant to pair bond. We are different from animals in the respect that we choose with whom we will bond and reproduce based on emotions and something indescribable, which we call "love." Our choices often define our humanity and choosing to stay faithful to our partner is an act of will.

My marriage to Walter did not end because I allowed an "open marriage." It ended because I didn't. In the end, I am so glad that I made the choices I did, because my husband of ten years knows that he is the only one for me and that he will never have to share me with another man. Among the many things I am thankful for in our relationship, our commitment to monogamy has to be the best one.

Learn more about this author, Lisa Doherty.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.