by Robin Harp

Created on: June 24, 2008   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

It's hard for me to believe that I have wasted years of my life simply existing! Have I really been living my life on auto-pilot? Actually, now that my eyes have been opened, I can see that it was really worse than that! Yes, this smart, creative, spunky woman went into this fairy-tale marriage with high hopes just like any another new bride. But then, it all changed-gradually crashed all around me into a pile of rubble. Fear was my new emotion and denial was my mode of operation. I found bottom and hit hard! Decisions were made for me until my brain just refused to function. No reason! I didn't need one anymore! Is the sky still blue? It seems that I was told it was turquoise, so it must have been! The issue was definitely that I have a controlling spouse, but just couldn't face it! (yet)

One day we were in the grocery store and it finally hit me! I had picked up a magazine that I was interested in and wanted to purchase. He says no, not this week, it's not in the budget! I nearly passed out! Breathless, to be sure! Of course, I did what any brainwashed, dead inside person would have done-I dutifully placed the magazine back on the shelf. This is just one very small example of my fearful life and marriage to a total control freak! Don't get me wrong, though, if you were to know him, you would never guess!
He's not one of these macho type men. He's just an ordinary, quiet, "Christian", average man. Boy, looks can be deceiving!

I've watched helplessly as one day of my life just floats into another day-much the same! My friends, family and children see this and try to help! Let me make this statement right here and now! Thank God for these people in my life who are always there for me and "see
me right! No, I am not the most selfish person on the earth, no matter what he thinks! These people really know me for the wonderful person that I am (was). This marriage seems like the twilight zone most of the time! It just simply does not make any sense! He does not make any sense, but he is always right and knows best. I need no opinion!

Finally, I'm gearing up to leave! :) I am trying to relearn confidence with the help of a really wonderful friend. He's boosting my self-esteem and leading me to greener pastures. I've picked a peaceful destination to retreat to. The plan is to take all the time I need to reclaim "me"! I am so very fragile at this point, but I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel! Calm, peaceful, relaxing, serenity-these words are so very important to me now! My daytime schedule will include walks in the woods, swims in the pool, lots of reading, spending time with my two youngest daughters and taking long bubble baths, just because... Yes, the flavor of my life is improving! And the best part is my dear friend is going to help me every step of the way!

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