by eugenie

Created on: June 23, 2008   Last Updated: June 24, 2008

When I married my second husband I knew what he was like to a degree but has become worse over the years. Maybe some of you think well "Serves you right you knew what he was like " but love is blind. I loved him then and I still do today with all my heart but when he says he loves me I doubt him because I think he only loves himself. I dont think he thinks he is controlling or nasty to me. Its just the way it is now. People have wondered why I dont leave but I dont want to. I dont want to be alone, although sometimes I believe I would be so much more at peace if I was, but I am afraid to be alone. To grow old alone. To die alone.

I try my best for him but I feel so drained at times. I work full time, shopping housework and everything else and Mother and Wife does. I have no me time. He excepts me to be at his beck and call, dont get me wrong he works very hard but he is an old fashioned man for a man in his thirties. He is the boss and when he comes in from work even though I might have just come in too he excepts me to have started dinner for everyone. If something runs out its my fault, if there are no clean socks its my fault. Do you get the idea if something is wrong ITS MY FAULT, and he makes sure I know it.

I have often fallen asleep when i sit down at night I am just so exhausted and he seems not to be able to look at anything on televison unless I am looking too when all I want is to relax and fall alsleep if I want. I never wake him up and say what "why are you fallen asleep how could you be tired". Sure I havent a clue why I would be so tired sure I do nothing all day. I feel very lonely sometimes and cry a lot. Surely if he loved me he would cherish me love me want me to be happy let me sleep if I wanted to lol. Maybe the grass always appears greener but its often the same. I long for him to be romantic with me to excite me to surprise me but I am always left disappointed. When our 10th wedding anniversary was looming close I wanted to renew our vows just ourselves and our children and close friends and I talked about it with my friend as I knew he would ask her what I would like but no he never bothered even though he knew I really wanted it. He gave me something expensive instead. Everything comes down to monetry value when it comes to a present with him he cant see I am straving for his attention and his love. I would love him to tell him how much he loves me, that he thinks I am beautiful and that he only wants me, that no other woman would be enough. I have sat and looked at him without him knowing and thinking Is there is all there is to my relationship, but no matter what I love him with all my heart..... He is my soul mate..

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