I thought the pain of surviving and overcoming a life torn apart by the effects of abuse was the hardest thing I had ever done. Just living daily with so much mental and emotional agony was so draining of any energy I had.
I chose to drown out my pain by drinking alcoholically for many years. Add on prescription and illicit drugs and I had myself a cocktail of insanity. The cycle of addiction and self abuse went on for so long that I even referred to myself as a walking dead person. Pain? I was so shut down I didn't even know I was in pain.
I didn't know how to think or feel and any emotion was cause for some psychotic reaction to come screaming out of me.
When the pain of dysfunction and alcoholism finally became more than even I could bear, I went into recovery.
I worked hard and was very committed to this healing journey. Years of shut down and stuffed down emotions came pouring out of me. I swear I cried for the first 10 years of recovery. Eventually, my emotional angst began to still and I felt joy for the first time in my life.
I was on top of the world, I was clean and sober, working again and life was awesome.
In November of 2005 I was a passenger in a car, coming home from Trade school. I was a first year apprentice pipe-fitter and had just aced a calculus and algebra test at age 46. The dedication I had in improving my life had finally gotten me somewhere, I saw a great future for myself.
We were stopped waiting for a car in front to make a left turn. I saw some pedestrians pointing at something so I raised up out of my seat to have a look. I didn't see what they saw so I turned around and was looking over my right shoulder when the car hit. The pain that tore through me was instant. I now know the people on the street were pointing at a car about to be involved in a rear-ender.
The very first statement from the driver of the car I was in was " Holy! Did you fly, you're hair even flew over your head!" I knew I was hurt, but was very unaware of exactly how bad.
That day changed my life so dramatically that it has taken me over 2 years to find the will to live again.
I was in bed for over a year and half, I couldn't walk or sit. It felt as if my neck could not support my head and I had headaches so bad I hallucinated. My spine had been hurt in 3 places and the pain was unbearable.
I sank into a major depression and thoughts of suicide were a constant with me. Hope? I had none and really believed I never would again .
I began to keep a journal of how I was feeling and coping with the effects of my injuries. I finally had to stop doing this because it made my depression worse by focusing on all the negativity. I couldn't write because every time I tried too, I cried. Self-pity was running rampant within me.
I did not want to live. I couldn't find a doctor who would prescribe pain killers because of my past addiction. I had to resort to buying pain killers off the street, forced into criminal behaviour because I am a recovering alcoholic and addict. More reasons and justification for ending my life.
I moved back to my hometown to be nearer to my family, I needed their help to survive. I couldn't work. I didn't have an income and fear of becoming a homeless woman were almost a reality.
And 6 months after coming home I was blessed to find a doctor that would help me. When I began to take medications for pain and my depression I thought all would be well. Wrong again!
I have never felt pain like I have since the car accident happened. Emotional, mental and sexual abuse almost seem to be the easier issues of my life in comparrison to the agony I now lived in. In the past I had my physical strength so I had always felt a sense of security, knowing I could work and look after myself and my family.
When the pain of abuse heals, one finds a true sense of freedom and the past becomes another life. We no longer live with daily emotional pain.
Chronic pain has brought me to my knees, crying out to something greater than myself for help.
I had to sign a suicide contract with my therapist, stating that before I took my own life I would call her. As I was signing my name a shift in my consciousness began, it would be almost another 8 months before I began to be aware of what had shifted in my psyche.
The pain medication I was on is a very strong narcotic and in the beginning it worked. Anti-depressants didn't help my depression and every single day was a battle to live. I thought if I was dead at least there would be no more pain. For me, or for my family.
When someone lives in chronic pain the whole family lives in pain. The painer begins to feel guilt for being in pain. Friends stop calling. Plans and promises are broken and hurt becomes a vicious reality.
I became fear. I feared life, pain, my future. I felt so alone with my agony and my crazy thoughts, I feared someone would find out how scared I really was. I became afraid about how close I came to acting on my suicidal thoughts. Terrified, would be the truth.
Then I got angry at my own thinking! I would be damned if I was going to let chronic pain be the stealer of my hope, my joy and most importantly, my life. I had overcome so much already and I was not going down in a sinking ship of pain.
I believe that Creator gave us everything we need to heal ourselves, within ourselves. I began to question how I would tap into this new way of thought and to my delight, this new feeling of energy.
First things first. I intuitively knew I had to stop taking the pain meds. I had discovered taking the meds was indeed causing me to feel that I couldn't honor my recovery or stay true to my spiritual path.
I weaned off the meds over 2 weeks and under the supervision of my 2 doctors and my pharmacist. I am extremely grateful to all of them, their unconditional acceptance of me has left me eager to become a better person. Having people believe in you allows the soul to strive for greater heights.
Once off the medication I noticed I became clearer. As if I was walking out from a thick, dense fog and I became aware of life again. And I began to dream again! Oh joy! I had so missed my dream-time. The last 16 months were dark and silent and on the rare occasion that I did dream, they were dreams filled with pain and bones breaking.
I am having very healing dreams now. And what is important to many, dreams of a spiritual nature.
This all began by a shift in my thinking, then in my consciousness and I think the miracle or blessing is that I actually felt it!
My soul called out and Creator answered in the form of a book called " Dreamhealer" by Adam. It is everything I was thinking! I had begun using some techniques to manage my pain more naturally.
One meditation I use, is to send healing star energy to all the places in my body where I feel pain. As the energy flows through my body I begin creative visualization, seeing my bones, muscles, tendons and organs, healthy and young. The pain will subside within minutes.
In the beginning I used this meditation often, many times a day. Now, my pain is less and I am learning to control it by what thoughts and emotions I tell my mind and spirit.
My depression is gone. When I stood up to the fear I took back my own life and mind. My thoughts are not the enemy anymore. I kicked negativity and self-harming thoughts to the curb!
I am learning to live "with" pain. Not "in" pain. I am learning to dance with my pain, not let pain lead the steps of my journey. Some days pain and I flow just right and I am awed by the power we have to embrace change. To truly become aware of the energy within and allow it to, Be, is to dance with the Divine.
Pain has been one of the greatest teacher and blessing of my life. I would never have thought a short while ago that I would be thanking pain for coming into my life.
I have learned to live happy no matter what is happening in my life or what I am feeling.
Pain is not my master, nor my jailer! Pain has set me free in ways I never could have imagined.
Through pain I faced death, and in death I found, I AM.