by Cypress Riel

Created on: June 22, 2008   Last Updated: October 04, 2009

I thought the pain of surviving and overcoming a life torn apart by the effects of abuse was the hardest thing I had ever done. Just living daily with so much mental and emotional agony was so draining of any energy I had.

I chose to drown out my pain by drinking alcoholically for many years. Add on prescription and illicit drugs and I had myself a cocktail of insanity. The cycle of addiction and self abuse went on for so long that I even referred to myself as a walking dead person. Pain? I was so shut down I didn't even know I was in pain.

I didn't know how to think or feel and any emotion was cause for some psychotic reaction to come screaming out of me.

When the pain of dysfunction and alcoholism finally became more than even I could bear, I went into recovery.

I worked hard and was very committed to this healing journey. Years of shut down and stuffed down emotions came pouring out of me. I swear I cried for the first 10 years of recovery. Eventually, my emotional angst began to still and I felt joy for the first time in my life.

I was on top of the world, I was clean and sober, working again and life was awesome.

In November of 2005 I was a passenger in a car, coming home from Trade school. I was a first year apprentice pipe-fitter and had just aced a calculus and algebra test at age 46. The dedication I had in improving my life had finally gotten me somewhere, I saw a great future for myself.

We were stopped waiting for a car in front to make a left turn. I saw some pedestrians pointing at something so I raised up out of my seat to have a look. I didn't see what they saw so I turned around and was looking over my right shoulder when the car hit. The pain that tore through me was instant. I now know the people on the street were pointing at a car about to be involved in a rear-ender.

The very first statement from the driver of the car I was in was " Holy! Did you fly, you're hair even flew over your head!" I knew I was hurt, but was very unaware of exactly how bad.

That day changed my life so dramatically that it has taken me over 2 years to find the will to live again.

I was in bed for over a year and half, I couldn't walk or sit. It felt as if my neck could not support my head and I had headaches so bad I hallucinated. My spine had been hurt in 3 places and the pain was unbearable.

I sank into a major depression and thoughts of suicide were a constant with me. Hope? I had none and really believed I never would again .

I began to keep a journal of how

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