by Valtie

Created on: June 21, 2008   Last Updated: October 04, 2010

HOW TO BE THE MOM YOU NEVER HAD

The moment I saw the positive sign on my home-pregnancy test, I realized it was the first of many tests I would face as a mother. Reflections of my own childhood experiences initially bombarded my mind like a flood from a collapsed levy. Would I be my mother all over again, even though I'd vowed not to let it happen? Was she so terrible a mother anyway? She had to have done something right; or maybe it was of no consequence, because in the end I turned out ok...?

It was frightening! Though I thought I had it all mapped out in my mind, the way I felt motherhood should be, I really had no idea what it was all about until I put on mom's old walking shoes. Without even realizing it, I was handling things the way she had. I drew upon my only knowledge and experience how to handle a crying infant at 2:00am. Just like she had, I rocked back and forth in the rocking chair til there were permanent marks left in the floor. I took long rides in the car to get my baby to fall asleep. I sacrificed my time, looks, privacy, intimacy, rest, and comfort all for the love of my little one. Suddenly I realized she had done the same for me... Even though she had reminded me of her sacrifices whenever possible, I hadn't truly understood or appreciated it until it was happening to me.

I never thought of her as being a good mom. She worked hard to take care of me and my essential needs. I always knew she loved me underneath; but we never had that mother-daughter bond I felt we should have had. I believe when she looked at me she saw a constant reminder of a failed marriage. Having me was supposed to "fix" their broken marriage. When all I brought (instead) was more weight to lose, constant crying, and further strain on their marriage, I became an obligation.

Believe it or not she had even told me that her initial desire was to leave me with my biological father, after finding out about his infidelity and illegitimate child from a bar-made. She was angry at him and stuck with me... Even so, she couldn't bring herself to do it. Even though she was "jealous" of how much he had bonded with me by the age of 4, and it was tempting; she said if she had left me I'd have really been messed up! Hmmm, that's one to debate for a moment or two!

She made monumental parenting mistakes! Ones that in this day and age would've placed me somewhere in the foster care system. These are the things I vowed never to repeat as a parent: *NEVER choose a mate over a child.
*NEVER

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