by Michelle N. Broughton

Created on: June 21, 2008

This is yet another of those double-edged sword questions. Easier isn't the word I'd use for staying with or leaving a violent partner.

The logical preference is walking away, but the abuser will do everything in his/her power to prevent the victim from leaving. Bullies need someone to bully. They have their very own person sometimes under lock and key. Other times, they hold them through threats which the victim has no doubt are promises to do them or their loved ones harm.

When you have an abuser in the home who is the perfect neighbor, worker, or boss outside the home, it can be difficult to get assistance from people who know him or her. Most abusers have charming smiles for outsiders; only the immediate family know the darkness underneath the smile.

If the violence has gone on long enough, the victim may no longer have the will to live or leave. Their version of release may be pushing the violent partner to kill them. Once they hit that point, leaving is almost impossible unless a knight comes to the rescue. Unfortunately knights are in short supply these days. Even when police are called in, the victim, terrified of paying an even bigger price when the abuser is released from jail, refuses to press charges.

Leaving requires planning, sneaking, arranging a safe house and a mode of transportation. Just thinking about all the requirements can be more daunting than sticking with the violent partner.

On the other hand, some people remain in dangerous unions 'for the sake of the children'. Why seeing their parent beaten within an inch of their lives on a regular basis is considered good is hard to understand. Quite often a parent won't make a move to leave until the children themselves are threatened with the same verbal or physical abuse heaped on the spouse. However, all too often, even that isn't enough to promote leaving a vicious situation.

In some cases, it is religious teachings keeping a couple together, because divorce is considered a major sin worthy of being excommunicated from their chosen faith. That works great for the abuser, but is a deadly trap for the abused. Staying out of fear for their immortal souls, praying for something better in the afterlife, makes the torture easier to bear for some and so they remain.

Easier? Neither staying or going are easier. The real question is "Can I survive just one more time?"

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