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It Can Be True For You

Palm trees, beautiful sunsets, beaches glistening in the morning, and children laughing in the waves. Beautiful, beautiful Miami Beach. How I love this place. It is the place where I would like to die someday. But not soon - not as soon as statistics say I will. Not as soon as T cell counts threaten. For I have HIV infection. Even more than that my infection has crossed over that line - that somewhat arbitrary line which qualifies me to place "aids victim" next to my name if I so desire.

And that is how I saw myself for the first year after they told me that my T cell count had gone below 200 and that I would now be considered one who has as they called it "full blown aids". But now I have had a chance to rethink my identity and I do not have to accept the "victim" label.

Oh, I can not change the fact that I have aids. My T cell count is up above 200 again but they tell me "once you have it you'll always have it". At least that seems to be true with the current state of science. So I can not change that. What I can change is the "victim" part. I don't have to consider myself a victim at all. I learned that through a very simple happening in a very casual relationship on a rather normal day on that beautiful Miami Beach. As I recall, it happened like this.

I had gone out before dawn to find a place to watch the always beautiful sunrise. I often go there to be with my most inner self - the one I have to get in touch with when I really get to feeling low. And on this particular morning I was very, very low. I had not been able to sleep well for several days. I was spending a lot of time brooding over "my condition". I was indulging in that old "why me?" train of thought. And I was feeling very much like a victim. Now to be a victim you must feel some of the following things. You feel that something has been done to you that you had no "say so" in whatsoever. You also feel, usually, that there is very little that you can do to change what has happened to you. To be a victim has the connotation that you must feel devastated and you must feel that nothing good can ever come out of your "victimhood". And as I went to the beach that morning I certainly felt all of that - deeply.

I went to one of my favorite places. one of the life guard platforms, and climbed the several ladder like rungs to the top. Then I sat with my eyes closed for a few minutes to kind of "center" myself and prepare for the first light of dawn. When I opened my eyes,

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