by Trent Lorcher

Created on: June 19, 2008   Last Updated: November 24, 2008

Fly the flag, pledge your allegiance, and light the fireworks. It's the 4th of July and you're hungry. Whether you host your own barbecue or plan on eating elsewhere, these "dos and don'ts" will make this 4th of July the best ever:

DO WEAR A SHIRT.

Nobody wants to see your flab spilling into the potato salad or your chest hair in a hamburger. Ladies, unless you want to be known as the 4th of July floozy or the Independence Day home wrecker skank, put a shirt over the bikini top.

DON'T SHOW UP EMPTY HANDED.

Revolutionary turncoat, Benedict Arnold, brought nothing to the first ever 4th of July cookout. Don't be a Benedict. Throw something together; stop at the store; bring something. If you don't, the host will lie. He'll say it's fine. Afterward he'll tell all his friends what a traitorous villain you've become.

DO TURN ON THE BASEBALL GAME.

I understand baseball is waning in popularity. Turn it on anyway. It's the national pasttime. Nobody's impressed that you follow the commodities ticker on CNBC, congressional hearings on CSPAN, or the WNBA.

DON"T BE MR. or MRS. "AMERICA IS WICKED."

Don't be that "anti-America stick-in-the-mud who needs to express his or her opinion on the Iraq war, homeless people, and killing all the Indians" guy or gal. Save it for Columbus Day. Find other ways to make yourself look important, like eating hot coals.

DO PREPARE

Have the food ready at a reasonable time. If the barbecue starts at noon, have the food ready before 6:00. This may take some planning. For example, if you expect 200 guests, and your grill only cooks 10 hot dogs at a time, get another grill.

DON"T PET YOUR DOG WHILE GRILLING

Not everyone finds your dog adorable and cute. In fact, we're kid of grossed out when you french kiss it every day after work. If for some reason, you feel the need to pet the dog, keep some hand sanitizer nearby.

DO FLY THE FLAG

It's the 4th of July. For Christmas, you put up a tree. For New Years, you wear a dumb-looking hat. For Valentines Day, you wear pink underwear. The least you could do on our nation's birthday is put up a flag.

DON"T WEAR FLAG BOXER SHORTS

The thought of old glory wrapped around old glory just doesn't seem right to me. The flag's meant to fly, not have a fly.

DO KEEP IT SIMPLE

Hamburgers and hotdogs. No need to get fancy. Save the smoked salmon for Bastille Day. If you want to throw in a chicken breast or a veggie burger for the health conscious, fine, but make hamburgers and hotdogs the foundation of your cookout.

DON'T DRINK TOO

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