1 of 57

Write now Article Tools

Page 3 of 3

beautiful song.

Have I seen him since that night? Yes but only twice. He sneaked into my hospital room after I suffered a near death reaction to a medication misprescribed for high blood pressure. Groggy and sick, I hated that he would see me that way, but his loving eyes never left my face for the hour that he held my hand in the dark, silent, grateful and strong.

Can a woman love 2 men at the same time, for YEARS? Yes. Can she do it well? Only if one is so strong and so devoted to her as to not allow her to ruin her life, and so respectful of himself not to ruin his own.

And the last time I saw him, a year ago May, He again rushed to comfort me when I confided all I was going through, how I had been hurt. He was broken by the things I told him, wounded that I was, but he refused to reject me, to blame or judge. We did decide, however, that looking upon one another was just too hard, that we would never meet face to face again.

We also will likely not stop loving. We are far beyond the "if only's" of 24 years ago and can now accept this for what it is - love that cannot be consummated, cannot be realized in the physical realm. It is truly a higher love.

So, we will continue to talk, to send pictures that we hide in secret places, to enclose tiny parts of ourselves when we can, but for us, the touching is over and I think we are both relieved that we don't have to be tempted again. He is not like me. He can't lay with me one night and not let it change his life. He's better than that.

He has been a constant in my life, one that has confused me at times and blessed me with much I surely don't deserve at others, but something I could count on, a love that haunts me still, that likely always will.

There is a letter, one carefully crafted, lovingly folded. It sits sealed in my safe deposit box with my son's name on the envelope. Inside is this story but in deeper detail. It was written just after I caught him downloading a song by The Poet onto his IPOD, and when I asked about it, my son enjoying much of my old music, especially the remixes, said "Mom, check this guy out. He's got some great stuff and doesn't sound like an old guy at all".

Imagine my face.

In writing this, making my little confession, I'm not letting go - I can't. But I am changing some now - being a bit more 'broken so I can be fixed'. If I let go of anything it's only his hand, with perhaps new hands to hold. His heart, of course, stays with mine - in our dreams. Just as he soothed my small son and I 24 years ago, he continues to soothe me today. I do so hope that never ends.

Learn more about this author, N. D. Guerre.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.

• << previous page
• 1
• 2
• 3

Add your voice

Know something about Ex-love: The haunting nature of past relationships ?
We want to hear your view. Write now!