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Moments of Glory

I have had just about 30 years of embarrassing moments, and the only reason that I say "just about" is because I can't remember all of the mortifying moments from babyhood. Though my parents have plenty of pictures to prove that the diaper days were no exception, that I demonstrated an aptitude for embarrassing myself before I even knew how to blush!

Needless to say, even the moderately embarrassing moments in my life, don't make me flinch like they do to some. Even the verbal retelling makes some people wince! Memorable moments of extreme grace and sophistication like jamming the straw from my drink securely up my right nostril, nearly lodging it in my brain! This would not have been so bad in and of itself, but combined with the fact that I was walking through a ski lodge lounge, confident and sexy, making serious eye contact with a particularly fine fellow, compounds the embarrassment factor considerably! This being followed up with instantly watering eyes and a torrent of blood running through the straw, out of my nose, and onto my sexy, confident outfit made the scene exponentially worse! Not to mention the fact that I nearly twisted my ankle in my sexy, confident heels, trying to flee the situation as if nothing happened!

Another particularly "me" moment, was a total office blunder! I was working as a dispatcher for a tree cutting/trimming service. I was the only female employee in the office, surrounded by big, burly lumber jacks and mechanics. I had to be at work by eight am, and I am NOT a morning person. It usually takes me about 3 cups of coffee to be semi-functional and partially coherent in the mornings. On a particularly groggy, cold Northern Virginia winter morning, I made the mistake of adding a fourth cup o'joe from the office coffee pot to my routine. I don't know if it's just me, but the caffeine in coffee has always had a profound effect on my regularity! I felt a very distinct hot rumbling in my stomach, bubbling its way from top to bottom. A thin sheen of sweat broke out along my forehead. I got up, and went to the bathroom as quickly as I could, without drawing too much attention to my urgent need for comfort from the cold porcelain of the toilet bowl. Thanks to the fourth cup of office coffee, I had a very "productive" morning. I finished my business, flushed the toilet, and began to wash my hands. I heard the tell tale "clogging" noise that always marks the beginning of the "don't think, go straight to water valve and

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