by Gloria Gibson

Created on: June 19, 2008

My heart aches as though it is breaking into a million pieces. The cold, dark hands of loneliness have engulfed my very soul. His memory haunts me day and night, keeping my thoughts tumbling until I'm not even sure what they mean. My pulse races until my breathing becomes labored and it seems it will stop altogether. How can my life continue if there is no end to this pain.

I never dreamed love could be this way. So devastating to my senses that I fear I will lose myself in it and no longer exist individually. Just the memory of him blurs my vision of what reality is. And, oh, the loneliness is so complete that it surrounds and imprisons me. When I think of his arms around me in sweet, constant embrace, his love flowing from him to me, leaving me breathless and confused. My brain barely functions and my emotions take me over completely, threatening my sanity. I have to find an escape from this power he has over me.

Why does my body betray me? It's as though I have no control of myself at all. Why must I remain in love with a memory? A memory that can never be reality again? I don't remember choosing this path for myself. Why would I sentence myself to this complete and devastating loneliness? It has no direction. No beginning or end. It seems to go on forever. These feelings must be immoral and will surely send me to hell. I don't know how to stop them. I have tried everything and still my heart will not forget, nor will the pain go away.

I feel as though I am living a half-life. I have withdrawn into myself and have hidden my feelings away from the scrutiny of others. I allow only the feelings that are approved by those around me to emerge. They are unable to see the loneliness that I wear like a shroud. I have lost so much; joys, moments, other loves, all lost in my private dimension of loneliness. It feels like what death must be like. Losing yourself in the pretenses of being normal. A miserable darkness deep inside myself. A darkness that has become my prison of death while yet alive.

Is this to be my life? Is this loneliness the punishment dealt to me while I live so I can avoid punishment after death? Punishment for loving a married man. Punishment for the pain I caused his wife? Will I ever have the answer that will bring me peace again? My search will continue until I find peace or my sentence is fulfilled. Loneliness has imprisoned me for so long, will I be able to function if I do find escape?

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