When my husband left me for another man, I all but lost my mind. I asked all the questions about what was wrong with me, lost sleep over the life that had been destroyed, and cried over losing everything we had worked for together as a couple. Dealing with a divorce of any kind, whether you choose it or it is thrust upon you, is very similar to dealing with death because at the heart of both situations is the issue of loss. Dealing with loss and grief in a healthy way is the best way to stay sane through the divorce process. Here are a few tips that can boost your chances of breaking through to the other side as a better and healthier person.
1. THERAPY: Find a qualified professional to help you sort out your feelings and guide you on your way to a better life. Even if you were the instigator of the divorce, you are leaving for a reason. The last thing you want to do is choose someone in your next relationship who is just like your ex-spouse! Unfortunately, many people do exactly that because they are unable to see that they keep picking the same personality types for a reason. A therapist will help sort out the reasons certain people continue to pick other types of people and will hopefully assist with better choices in the future. Additionally, if you are on the other end of the divorce, the therapist will help guide you through the stages of grief and help with the processing of emotions and feelings. After awhile, friends will tire of hearing about how hurt you are and will push you to "get past it." The therapist will never tire of listening to you vent and will give you constructive ways to move past it and onto better things.
2. JOURNAL: Writing things down is a very cathartic way to vent feelings and emotions that you might not feel comfortable sharing with anyone else. Stream of consciousness writing also allows the person to tap into hidden thoughts that they might not be able to connect to any other way. Journals are also a great reflective tool. You can look back years from the event and chart your own personal growth. There is no greater feeling than glancing retrospectively and being able to say to yourself, "Wow! I have come a really long way since then!"
3. SUPPORT: Find a support group. Whether it is through your church or local grief/loss center, finding others who are doing through similar situations will work for a double purpose. It will keep you focused on moving past the situation and will keep you from cloistering yourself away from the rest of the world. Even in situations where you are the one who wanted the divorce, remember that your experiences of your spouse might just be the AHA! Light bulb over the head moment for someone else in the room. Perhaps your story will keep someone other person from making the mistakes your spouse made in the marriage. All experiences are important and sharing these with others does help you in the long run.
4. FINANCIAL: The most harrowing experience of any divorce is the financial situation. If you are looking at losing everything, remind yourself that above all, you can't get blood from a stone and the lawyers and your ex cannot eat you. You will make it through, even if it is hard. If you take the mental approach that you are going to overcome this situation, you will come to realize that even if you have to sell the house and are left with nothing, there is nowhere else to go but up. Each day is going to bring you a new opportunity to rebuild and re-establish yourself as an independent person that no situation will conquer. Hopefully, you will find that family and friends will pitch in to help you through this time and many of them will remember how hard it was for them and be more than helpful.
Adversity breeds two kinds of people, victims and survivors. You have to decide which one you are and which one you want to be. Realizing and owning the fact that you are a survivor will help through almost every situation you will face during and after the divorce because survivors are still standing long after everyone else has fallen around them.