by N. D. Guerre

Created on: June 19, 2008   Last Updated: October 11, 2011

We all have one, know one or are currently hiding from one - a mere acquaintance who wants to be more, the mother-in-law who never stops calling, or maybe the old high school friend who thinks you are still back in 9th grade and wants to spend every waking moment reliving the past with you.

My son, at the tender age of 9, made the mature observation that there were just some people in the world who could drain you - who could as he put it, "pull the life right out of you" and dubbed them "ensucklanators". I thought it perfect, and even though he is now 25, if he says "Oh, no Mom, another BIG E," I know exactly what he's talking about.

I really don't think the same method will work for them all. They are as varied as the stars, but the point being to preserve life - your own (the ensucklanator can cause untold emotional death), and you must understand that you may not be able to preserve any kind of relationship with this person and in the end, they may exit your life altogether.

I think it's harder for immature people to handle those who would encroach on their space or their lives. They are so concerned still with being polite and not hurting feelings. But if in being only assertive it happens anyway, it's something that can't be helped.

We must maintain an attitude of ownership where our own life is concerned, maintain the right to choose how and with whom we spend time and resources and then not waver back and forth weakly, sending mixed messages. Most of our own frustration with those who would irritate us is our own fault, a product of a failure to maintain personal boundaries and to set limits with people.

Nothing anyone tells you, no pat answer or word for keeping these people at arm's length, will work if you cannot assert yourself, and if you can, you need nothing more. I always make myself count to three before answering any request, just to prevent the automatic throwing around of "yes"es to things I may regret. Most energy is wasted by overextending ourselves, saying we will when we would rather not, spending time with those we don't enjoy, doing things we don't delight in and feeling we somehow owe someone that we don't.

If you find that you are trapped in this kind of pattern, nodding yes and regretting it almost instantly, practice saying "No" to people. Get a close friend to help or do it in the mirror. Then start small and work up. Remember people who love you can hear "No", and that we do teach others how to treat us by what

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