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I have found that one of the best ways I know to handle difficulty is by expressing myself in written words. This is one of those moments that come along and I have two options. It's a matter of either just expressing what's going on in my head or bottle it up and try to erase it out of my mind. Obviously, I have opted to express it

Over the last several weeks I have had a number of bombshells to address. Not one could be considered an easy thing to handle individually but today was the most difficult of them. During the last few weeks I have been watching my cat of sixteen years, Bovine slowly deteriorate. I knew for the last year that she was suffering from renal failure. I knew she was ill and in a way it was going to be a matter of time. I came to accept this fact and knew what would happen so what occurred today was not something I was unprepared for, or so I thought.

The last few days I knew the end was approaching. She was falling over and not willing to eat or drink. She was quickly turning into a skeleton and when she tried to meow it was painful to watch her work up the energy. Before I left this morning I found her so that I could clean her up and pet her good-bye. I knew in my gut today was going to be the end and I wasn't sure she would be alive when I returned home. I walked in and immediately went searching for her. I couldn't find her and I prepared my son for his shower. When I came back into my room I found her collapsed on the floor in the doorway to my restroom. I am not even sure where she was hiding as I searched everywhere just a few moments before. I walked slowly toward her and she let out a terrible crackly meow. As I lifted her up listless, limp body, I realized she waited for me to come home. So I wrapped her in a blanket and held her for about 45 minutes as she took her last breaths. I couldn't stop sobbing as I laid her on the floor and went out to prepare a grave for her.

As I sit here trying to grieve what I anticipated coming, I am still amazed at how deeply it hurts to watch a life pass from the shell of a body all of us mammals exist in. Every time I have experienced death there is one consistently notable thing that has happened. With each person and animal I have watched pass on they have had their eyes open. I guess the term that the eyes are the window to the soul couldn't be more correct. I have watched the souls of loved ones exit through this window and it's unforgettable.

What is also unforgettable is the way that my life has been touched by each pet I have had. I remember a conversation I once had with my Dad and he said 'I can't understand why we torture ourselves with pets when we know full well we are going to out live them.' Then we talked about how oddly strong it is to have an unconditional bond with an animal, especially one you have for many years. I have so many memories of the joy Bovine brought me. Like when she would greet me at the door like a dog and flop over on to her back so I would rub her belly. Or the hilarious way she would meow any time you would say anything even resembling her name. I can't stop thinking about all the times I cried when something bad happened to me and I held her as she purred. It is so strange to have such a strong bond with a pet. They can't talk to you, they can't hug you, but they still manage to invade your heart. I wish I would have held her more and right now I wish I could hear her purring as I shed my tears.

Life is full of down moments and heartache. I am grateful that for at least sixteen years of this life I was able to depend on her for non-judgmental comfort. She will be missed.

Learn more about this author, Staci Cool-Ellis.
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