I was taught certainty of the gospel from a young age. You see my parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents have been members of the LDS church their entire lives. I am the only one that has left it. So why am I the only one in my family that has doubts and uncertainties about this religion. When did it start?

I trusted my parents and believed everything they told me until I was about twenty and went to my first biology course that was being provided by Utah State University. This university provided extension courses in our little community.

My first evening class, I sat about halfway in the classroom. My biology book and notebook were on the left of my desk. I had taken out my pens and pencils so that I would be ready to take notes. I watched the instructor walk into the classroom. He had his head down and didn't look at any of the students. Even though his body language told me that there would be a fight coming, I didn't see it. I was too naive or maybe too young.

My parents had taken me out of school when I was thirteen. Even before then, I trusted my teachers. I wanted to learn. My olympic achievement was getting that college degree.

So I sat in that classroom, relaxed, waiting for the istructor to begin.

The chalk squeaked against the board as he began to write Darwin's Theory of Evolution. My stomach clenched. He turned to the class.

"Who know's about Darwin's Theory of Evolution?"

My stomach clenched. I refused to look at my instructor. No one raised their hands. Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw my neighbor with his head down, too. No one spoke.

Then he began to talk about Darwin's journey on the HMS Beagle. How he found that the animals evolved so that they could find a feeding niche. As he continued to talk about the full meaning of this discovery, I began to unclench. It did not sound unreasonable.

But, when I brought this home to my parents, they were horrified. Darwinism was a theory and not a very good theory at that, my father told me in loud over-bearing tones. Maybe I should quit this class.

My mother just sniffled. How could I discard the teachings of my church so easily was her reaction. I was mistified. I did not know if Darwin's Theory was good or bad. What I wanted from my parents was a logical explanation, not an emotional response. Why was creationism better than Darwinism? What was the difference?

So because of this one instant in my life, I began to question the reality of my church. If it could only deny, not explain then my certainty of the truthfulness could be wrong. So my certainty turned to uncertainty after I began to see the world and the people in it.

Now, having doubts and uncertainties is not as scary as I thought it would be when I was a girl. It is challenge. I can look, find, and research. I may never know the answers, but I will have a chance to look. Now, it makes my life interesting and unusual.

Certainty is for the boring. I am uncertain.

Learn more about this author, Cyn Bagley.
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