The truth to finding "true" happiness must first begin with loving yourself. I'm 45 years old and I am truly for the first time in my life beginning to know/find true happiness. I was abused as a a child and it has gone with me through my whole life. My self-esteem has been so low that I never knew/imagined what happiness was/could be. When you're abused you lose your self-respect and self-worth. You feel that you don't deserve to have any happiness.

As of lately I've been struggling internally with this. My abusive father just recently passed away and as bad as it may sound I'm glad he is dead. My life is now beginning over....I'm exploring/experiencing loving myself and finding that I'm worthy and that I deserve a better life than what was "forced" upon me and that I don't have to "settle". Being abused as I was, I didn't know I had choices to lead a better life. It's like the saying you can't teach an old dog new tricks. I had lived so many years believing that I would not amount to anything and endured abuse (that I didn't know I shouldn't have endured.) So of course, men would draw upon that,so many of my relationships were me being in them and staying in them because of fear of being alone or that I finally found someone who paid attention to me. (Even though that attention was abusive.) I'd rather be in an abusive relationship than to be alone. But you see at the time, I never realized that I was "settling" in relationships, because I had never been with anyone who thought I was worth something or was a burst to my ego. Most of my relationships were to men that were alcoholics, into drugs and had worse self-esteem than me. I was willing to do anything for them to keep them,because that was how I was brought up and I so longed for "male" affection.

There were some good men in my life ,but I pushed them away because I didn't think I was "good" enough for them. As a matter of fact the man that I'm involved with now.....I almost lost him because I was not allowing myself to love him nor was I allowing myself to think that I could be/deserve to be with someone as good as he. But it took the death of my abusive fatherfor me to tell this man that I loved him and that I deserved the best (and that best is him.) But first I was forced into forgiving my deceased abusive father and to let go of the abuse and to love myself and to find out that I deserve the best in every aspects of my life....from relationships,to my occupation to my spirituality.

Learn more about this author, Jodee Stout.
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