by Patricia Sicilia

Created on: June 18, 2008   Last Updated: June 19, 2008

"Please Curb Your Dog (or Cat) Obsession."

I feel the same way about other people's animals as I do about non-blood-related children - they annoy me.

Let's get one thing straight. I was a pet owner. I had two cats for 18 years. I adored my cats. I was heartbroken when they died, and they are buried where I can see their graves everyday.

Having established that I am not an animal hater, let me continue.

I'll give your pit bull (and EVERYONE seems to insist on this designer dog nowadays) a scratch behind the ears, and I'll pet your Siamese, but after that, I don't want their big heads in my lap or little butts in my face! First of all, I think pit bulls and all their cousins are the ugliest dogs I have ever seen and would only have one if an eccentric uncle died and left me ten million dollars to care for one. (Of course, then I'd just pay someone else a million to take it off my hands.) Second of all, I'm allergic to cats. I became immune to my own cats after so many years, but I am still allergic to yours. Please teach it not to jump in my lap and present it's little pink hooha for inspection.

My cats were indoor cats and that's why they lived so long. They didn't roam in your garden and "water" your azaleas or leave little tootsie rolls on your sidewalk. The once or twice a year they got out, I promptly retrieved them. I don't need to hear your queen caterwauling all night as it tries to get laid, or to have my backyard redolent after your tom got lucky.

When I had cats, I didn't carry around four rolls of developed film of the critters dressed for Halloween, or drinking beer or performing some trick an inebriated pet owner decided would make a good shot. I don't even carry around pictures of my grandchildren, why would I carry around pictures of my pets? All my pictures are in albums or displayed in my home, where they belong, and where you can look at them if you please.

I never harangued my friends and relatives for hours with stories about their pets'
bodily functions, or how they reacted to the new kitten or puppy (because NONE of these people only have only one cat or dog, don't you know), or with the peculiarities of their canine or feline personalities.

I've seen a lot of stories lately about doggie bakeries, doggie spas, doggie designer food, doggie clothing, and even "take your pet to work day" . . . Pu-lease! I know some people consider their pets their children, but, hey, news flash - they aren't! They're
animals! I couldn't afford to take my kid to the bakery, why would I spend $20 a
pound on gourmet doggie biscuits? If you can afford to do this, and do it, your
priorities need some serious examination. Do you really think your dog knows the
difference between a "gourmet" dog biscuit and a Milk Bone? They eat dead things
in the road! Isn't there an orphanage near you or a community center that could
better use the money you splurge on your dog?

I raised my animals lovingly, they lived to ripe old ages, and then passed away. I raised my kid and she left home for college and marriage. I firmly believe that life begins when the pets die and the kids move out. I don't want your pet, or pictures of your pet, or
stories about your pet to take up any more than five minutes of my time. (And stop sending me those "cute animal" e-mails!)

Ditto for your grandchildren. I'm sure you think yours are the cutest grandkids ever born, but you're wrong - mine are.

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