by Patricia Sicilia

Created on: June 18, 2008

Let me get one thing straight. I had two cats for 18 years. I adored my cats. They were indoor cats and that's why they lived so long. They didn't roam in your garden and "water" your azaleas or leave little tootsie rolls on your sidewalk. The once or twice a year they got out, I promptly retrieved them. I was heartbroken when they died, and they are buried where I can see their graves everyday.

My husband had an Irish Setter when I met him. I loved that dog like it was my own. We took him to the woods and ran him, and he never left any trace of himself on a sidewalk or anyone else's yard. I was equally as devastated when he died.

So, having established that I am not an animal hater, let me continue. I feel the same way about other people's animals as I do about non-blood-related children - they annoy me.

Oh, yeah, I'll give your pit bull (and EVERYBODY seems to insist on this designer dog) a scratch behind the ears, and I'll pet your Siamese, but after that, I don't want their big heads or little butts in my face! First of all, I think pit bulls and all their cousins are the ugliest dogs I have ever seen and wouldn't have one if an eccentric uncle died and left me ten million dollars to take care of one. Second of all, I'm allergic to cats. I became immune to my own cats after so many years, but I am still allergic to yours. Please teach it not to annoy the guests or remove it from the room.

When I had cats and the Setter was still alive, I didn't carry around four rolls of developed film of the new dog, or the old critters doing things pet owners perceive as cute and precious. I don't even carry around pictures of my grandchildren, why would I carry around pictures of my pets? All my pictures are in albums or displayed in my home, where they belong, and where you can look at them if you please.

I also didn't harangue my friends and relatives for hours with stories about their pets' bodily functions, or how they reacted to the new kitten or puppy (because NONE of these people only have only one cat or dog, don't you know), or with the peculiarities of their canine or feline personalities.

I've also seen a lot of stories lately about doggie bakeries, doggie spas, doggie designer food, doggie clothing . . . Pu-lease! I know some people consider their pets their children, but, hey, news flash - they aren't! They're animals! I couldn't afford to take my kid to the bakery, why would I spend $20 a pound on gourmet doggie biscuits? If you can afford to do this, and do it, your priorities need some serious examination. Do you really think your dog knows the difference between a "gourmet" dog biscuit and a Milk Bone? They eat dead things in the road! Isn't there an orphanage near you or a community center that could better use the money you splurge on your dog?

I raised my animals lovingly, they lived to ripe old ages, and then passed away. I raised my kid and she left home for college and marriage. I firmly believe that life begins when the pets die and the kids move out. I don't want your pet, or pictures of your pet, or stories about your pet to take up any more than five minutes of my time. (And stop sending me those "cute animal" e-mails!)

Ditto for your grandchildren. I'm sure you think yours are the cutest kids ever born, but you're wrong - mine are.

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