by Brad Bowen

Created on: June 18, 2008

At some point in their lives, most people have had a conversation with someone they've just met and heard the phrase "we have a blended family". Those of us who are actually part of a blended family will identify with some of the more common responses and facial expressions this statement evokes running the gamut from sympathy ("oh my gosh, that must be sooo difficult"), to stern admonition ("you know, you've just got to let those children know right away who is boss!") with arched eyebrows, grimaces, frowns and an occasional knowing smile thrown in for good measure.

In today's warp speed, technology-saturated culture, marriage and child rearing for intact families is challenging enough. Face-to-face and telephone communication is taking a back seat to text messaging, e-mail and blogs. Throw in a second (or third) marriage, step parenting, step children and ex-spouses and you have a recipe for disaster. Emotions, birth order, finances, differing parenting styles and co-parenting with ex-spouses all are key issues further complicating blended families. But, none of these are more crucial to the initial and ongoing success of a blended family than family communications.

Family communications seems to most of us, at least in the abstract, a no-brainer. After all, people (read: parents and step parents) really enjoy talking, sharing and letting others know what we think and want and need. And, we want others (particularly our children) to think, feel and act as we do. So when the inevitable disagreement, argument or meltdown occurs in blended families, each comment, facial expression, and even posture is viewed through the lens of a step parent microscope. The result: anger, harsh judgment, resentment, dissension and that's just the step parents. Worse yet is withdrawal on the part of the children, who often feel that their step parent doesn't have the right to be an authority figure to them.

So, what is good family communication? And, how can it be practiced and fleshed out in blended families successfully? Opinions on this topic vary widely among family counseling experts and pundits, but take it from someone who has had a modicum of success in a blended family with five children aged 10 to 23: it's definitely NOT easy! Be of good courage, though it's both an art and a discipline that takes unwavering commitment, is mastered with much practice, limitless patience and lots of unconditional love.

Along our blended family journey, we've had great counsel from close

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