Illegal immigration- a solution that works?

Much has been said about illegal immigration and its long lasting effects on the American economy. Why now has this become such a big deal? It's not like this problem popped up overnight; people have been illegally crossing the border for as far back as I can remember. However, I have a few suggestions to resolve the issue...

1. Environmental Warfare

Stock the Rio Grande with piranhas. That ought to make people think twice about swimming across to the Promised Land.

2. Covert Munitions

How about lining the first 100 yards or so of the border with landmines. That should slow down anyone willing to risk the piranhas.

3. Conscription

Anyone who clears the first two obstacles should be sent to fight in Iraq. Obviously they must be crazy enough to risk a year in Iraq avoiding IEDs. Any that survive the deployment would be immediately granted a conditional green card.

4. Capital Investment

Offer to purchase Mexico. If we own Mexico, then there would be no reason for people to cross the border. How much could it really cost, five maybe six hundred dollars?

5. Hostile Takeover

Why not? We've invaded other countries for less. How much opposition could the Mexican Army offer? Is there even a Mexican Army?

6. Anger Bill Gates

If all else fails, then tell Bill Gates that Mexico wants Microsoft to use only Netscape on all new PCs instead of Internet Explorer. Bill will then be forced to assimilate Mexico into the collective conscience that is the Microsoft universe.

I know some people might consider these suggestions extreme, but we are talking about illegal aliens. After all, what do illegal aliens really do for the average American? Most of us don't have a farm, own a construction company, or run a cleaning company, so we don't see the benefits of cheap labor. Illegal aliens are taking jobs that could otherwise be offered to the poor and homeless, actual Americans. So who cares about cheap fruits and vegetables? Who cares about affordable housing, or clean houses for that matter?

We simply cannot allow people who aren't from here, to keep coming here and acting like they own the place. We natives need to repel the immigrant invasion before they destroy our way of life. I shouldn't be forced to learn another language, forsake my heritage, or change my looks just to survive. I was here first. I know it's hardly original, but this is my land, my home, my life.

Learn more about this author, A. Slacker.
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