by Ben Lowden

Created on: June 16, 2008

Last night my wife had a long and involved and very detailed dream about being pregnant again. In her dream she was not only pregnant, but pregnant with twin boys. Her dream took her through the positive pregnancy test and the discovery, via ultrasound, of the fact that she was carrying twins. It was all so realistic-right down to the numb shock, mixed with creeping delight, at the thought of a new pregnancy. I think, though, that the numb shock won out in the end.

In her dream Jane and I wrestled very realistically with the thought of what this would do to us-my job, the kids, the fact that we don't have enough bedrooms for twins, the idea of ending up with FOUR children, just like that. Later in the dream (time is always tricky in dreams-was this an hour-long dream, or six or seven months worth of time compressed into a few short seconds?) she could feel the babies moving inside of her-insistent pushes and stretches against her insides. When she woke up she was left with a sense of longing for those feelings again. There is she says, "hands down, absolutely nothing like feeling a child move inside of you. It doesn't matter how uncomfortable pregnancy is-and it can be terribly uncomfortable-those pushes and stretches, those unseen little hands and feet probing against your insides, is the most intense and amazing feeling in the entire world. It's preparation, I think, for all the universe-shifting, intense up-and-down wonder of it all-the wonder that begins the moment you hold your child in your arms."

We don't really want any more children-we're pretty certain of that. We are stretched to the limits as we are now-both time-wise, financially, and even emotionally. We've managed the crazy tag-team parenting life we have for over seven years now, and it hasn't been easy. Although I'm already sad about the fact that Charlie only has one more year at her wonderful preschool before kindergarten, a part of me jumps a little at the thought of life becoming a little more manageable; of not feeling so torn between work and parenting. I imagine being able to actually get work done in my office, instead of pecking away at it here and there at home-in-between lulls in playtime with the kids, or during their rest time, or, worse yet, into the wee hours of the evening, when I'm tired and burned out. After a couple weeks like these past two, I can't imagine sometimes how I have enough energy and both of us enough resources-emotional and otherwise-to make it through another

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