by Katelyn Muir

Created on: June 16, 2008

Eight years. For eight years my life has been influenced by a diagnosis that I did not ask for, one that upset many people and made life more complicated.
Oh well, everyone has their cross to bear. This is mine. When I was just 13 'thighroid cancer' became part of me, even after they removed the angry gland, it had made its mark in my body. The rest of me became full of spots of cancer and I just had to learn to deal with it.

Somehow I dodged chemotherapy until last summer, having only radiation treatments, keeping my hair. I looked like an average teenager and acted like one. The days I spent at the hospital, having scans, treatments and consultations, were forced into the back of my mind. That was a seperate person, a seperate life. Why would I focus on the unpleasent parts of my life when I had big school trips, boys and friends to focus on? I turned into a social butterfly, loving every minute of it.
When things would come up and my lifetime seemed shortened again, I felt sick and in pain, I learned how to deal. I would only share the grim details with my close friends if it was absolutely necessary, why worry them if it didn't have to be that way? It hurt me more to see them watching me with worried eyes than to have silent moments of worry myself at home.
I have had multiple surguries, radiation, a week of chemo, quite a few blood transfusions, and a stemcell transplant.
I have learned what it means to be in pain. I have learned what it means to be afraid you aren't going to make it through the week. I have learned how awful it is to see your mother look at you, scared of what the next hour might bring. I have learned what it's like to shrink, not look like yourself and feel ugly. To not want to leave the house because everyone will know there is something wrong with you.
Through my stemcell transplant and recovery I hit every low there was, but had many highs as well. I am beginning to look like the old me again, to feel good again and believe I do have a future waiting for me.
God has not forsaken me, He is teaching me, leading me into what He has in store. If I keep this in mind every day, I know I will get through the day.
The only way you can live with cancer is if you trust that God is in control. Whether I live or die does not really matter in the big picture, I am just a young woman. If I was not here anymore, the people who love me will move on, life goes on and I will be standing in heaven, waiting for their turn.
You can only do so much. My body complains of being tired in the afternoon, I know I'll hit a second wind but until then I have to listen. Being 21 and a cancer girl is hard. I want to do all the things my friends are doing, but I know I can't. How do you deal with that? You just DO. My turn will come. It may seem that everyone is getting everything and you get nothing, but think of all the life lessons they have yet to learn and you already have. In this area I am way ahead of many of my friends. I think of all the knowledge I have and how many people I can relate to because of what my life is like. God has given me the gift of being able to help, make others feel better and teach other people about what it is like.
People say not to plan too far ahead, and they have a point. There may not be a too far ahead for me, but then again there might be. So I plan anyways, as far as I can. But while I plan I focus on today. On tomorrow. On this week. The present is what is counting, and I don't want to waste it.
So I read, I paint, I cook for my family, I love and I laugh. But most importantly, I trust that God will help me get to tomorrow.

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