by Chloe

Created on: June 16, 2008

My heart was shattered when I lost my grandchildren to the(Foster Care)court system. Time has passed but I still feel like it happened yesterday. My oldest son and his wife were taking drugs. PCP was the drug of their choice. This drug was used to tranquilize elephants. Stone out of their heads, they would hallucinate. Their stare was stone gray. To take a step, they would bring up their leg, like a marching cadet. However, they were more like space cadets.

This went on for many years, and almost every year they were having a child.
Together they had nine children. Before they got married, each one of them had a child with other people. My daughter-in-law had a daughter and my son had a son. They both started using drugs in their teens and when they got married it got worst.

The heartache was unbearable. I got married when I was fifhteen and I had three babies by the time I was nineteen. There is no way, anyone would have taken my children from me. I guess this is why I can't accept what happened. The guilt is torture. A day doesn't go by that I don't think about my grandchildren. Taking care of the children myself wasn't even an option. First of all there were to many of them. I was working full-time and I had a four year old son that I had to care for. I was also dealing with my husband who was an alcoholic.

I was working for the Department of Social Services in Foster Care as an Eligibility Worker. I would pay foster homes for the care of children that were taken from their parent or parents. Every month we would get a list of newly placed children. As I was going down the list I saw three of my grandson's names and birthdates. At first I thought maybe it was a mistake of some sort. That day is engraved in my mind forever. After checking it out I found out they were my grandsons.

I left work, driving at high speed. Physically I was driving but mentally I was somewhere else. I ran a red light and how I found this out was the police officer that stopped me. I was falling in a dark tunnel and I was spinning out of control. I couldn't believe what just happened. All I could think of was my grandchildren at the shelter. I don't even know how I got home.

I had, had a feeling of things not right with my son and daughter-in-law because whenever they were in trouble they would get lost. They made it impossible for anyone of the family to find them. I would hear rumors that they were living in a drug house and that the children were sleeping on the floor. Someone reported that the children were being neglected and that their parents were drugged almost everyday.

My son and his wife were put on a twelve month reunification plan where they had to test clean for drugs. They also had to get a job and maintain it. They became a model couple because they complied with all the rules. There was a circle of professional people helping them. However when all the children were returned they couldn't deal with the daily routine. So once again all their children were removed and placed in homes where they were adopted.

I thank God everyday for giving my grandchildren good homes. That they may have a warm bed to sleep on and food to eat. When my grandchildren were younger, the one that was about four years old, said, he was so lucky because he had two sets of parents. He was so happy because he said he had a bed to sleep on. This was when they were still visting with their (supervised visits) biological parents. When my son's rights were terminated he and his wife were no longer allowed to see their children.

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