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Should your spouse share care for your elderly parents?

Caring for elderly parents is emotionally draining and difficult for everyone involved. There is no one answer to this question because every situation is different and has to be dealt with on an individual basis.

However, to address the question, if a marriage is strong and isn't in the toilet to begin with, I feel that taking care of an elderly parent can and should be a shared duty. It want be easy by any means. There will be stress, a lot of it. There will be times when you want to scream, cry and just get in the car and leave your life behind. I know I've been there twice.

When my mother became ill, she refused help from any male member of the family, including my dad, so the sole responsibility fell on me. Although my husband did not share in any physical caretaking of my mom, he did share in the responsibility. He did this by taking over raising our ten-year-old daughter, working, and then trying to comfort me at night when I would lay in bed and cry my eyes out. On top of that, he also did the laundry, cooking and cleaning, that I was too emotionally and physically exhausted to do when I came home at night to grab a few hours sleep until the phone rang in the middle of night with my mom needing me right away.

I'm certain there were days when he thought of just packing up and leaving, who wouldn't, but he didn't. They call that unconditional love and any marriage that doesn't have it is doomed anyway, in my humble opinion.

Several years after my mom passed away and we had gotten our lives back on track his dad died and his mom moved in next door to us. After a short time, her kidneys failed and she had to be put on kidney dialysis, three hours a day, three times a week. She became too weak to cook for herself or take care of some of the personal hygiene task such as bathing and even dressing herself. Well, what mother wants her son helping her bath or change her clothes; so the responsibility fell on me. Was I eager to do it? Yes and no. It was an opportunity for me to repay my husband for his patience and love when my mom was ill, but who wants to be there mother in laws full time nurse.

What we must remember when it comes to taking care of our elderly parents, is two things. First, they took care of us from the time we were born; they changed our diapers, clothed and feed us and that deserves some pay back, whether it is your parent or your spouses. Secondly, we will someday be in the same predicament, dependant on someone else to assist us in our old age.

To take on the responsibility of an elderly parent the spouse must be a willing participate and understand from the beginning the difficulties and challenges that they will be expected to endure. Not everyone is cut out to be a care taker and some people fold easily under stress. If a discussion is reached to care for your elderly parent then yes your spouse should share in whatever capacity is necessary.

Learn more about this author, Debbie Seko.
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