by Trent Lorcher

Created on: June 13, 2008   Last Updated: December 10, 2008

Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, Kareem Abdul Jabbar, and Larry Bird know what it takes to dominate: an indomitable will, a willingness to sacrifice, and a must win attitude. These same attributes will help you dominate your fantasy basketball league. The following tips will help you in your quest for domination:

TIP #1: GET A DIVORCE

A freak injury strikes your backup point guard at midnight. You need to find a replacement soon. Your wife, citing the lateness of the hour, wants you to come to bed. In 2005, while contending for the league title late in the season, Cavalier point guard Eric Snow injured his left knee diving for a loose ball late in a game at Sacramento. I needed steals or my championship dreams would go unfulfilled. I scanned the waiver wire for three hours, desperate. Seconds before claiming Sebastian Telfaire, my wife stormed in, turned off the computer, and cried. I went to bed, saved my marriage, but lost the league by one steal. I'll never forgive her.

TIP #2: GIVE YOUR CHILDREN UP FOR ADOPTION

I prepared diligently for the 2006 draft. I had several pages of pre-draft analysis from a dozen websites. My wife left at 6:00. I had scheduled the draft for 6:30. At the end of round two, my daughter crawled into the den and began to cry. I yelled for her older brother to put in another movie while daddy worked. My daughter screamed. I screamed back. I noticed a horrific smell emanating from her diaper. I passed out. I woke up two rounds later, owner of two players on injured reserved. I finished third that year. My daughter never even apologized. I'll never forgive her.

Tip #3 QUIT YOUR JOB

With no wife and no kids to impede your domination, work can be the optimum place to manipulate your roster. Late in 2007, I scheduled my day perfectly: work on assigned project from 7:00 to 7:30; scour the fantasy basketball waiver wire from 7:30 to 9:15; take my break; analyze player data from 9:45 to noon; go to lunch; narrow the list of potential free agent pickups from 1:30 to 2:30; research player websites from 2:30 to 3:15; make my selection from 3:15 to 3:30; work on assigned project from 3:30 to 4:00; tell my boss at 4:00 that I would need to work an hour overtime to complete the project; propose trades to other league members from 4:00 to 4:45; complete the project from 4:45 to 5:00. Unfortunately, my boss hovered around my work area all day. Instead of picking up Shawn Bradley, who had four blocks that night, I got stuck with Kwame Brown. I kept my job, but lost the league title by 3 blocks. I hate my boss. I'll never forgive her.

Is dominating your fantasy basketball league worth losing your wife, children, and your job? Is dominating your fantasy basketball league worth spending your grown years lonely, penniless? Probably not, but I got a sweet t-shirt after winning last year's title.

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