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pay close attention to the fact that when I thought of her frequently, these things occurred more often. My conversations with Megan, like people have when loosing a loved one, began to be a source of real comfort for me and I could feel her presence. I know this may sound bizarre to some people, but I can only share what is truth for me. On many occasions I have been weeping over the intense guilt I felt at the way her life turned out and suddenly felt the sweetest comfort. I have had the sense on so many occasions that she was letting me know she was fine and not to worry about her. One particular day I was overcome with the worst grief and guilt I had experienced, and was sobbing while sitting right here in my computer chair. In the midst of these tears my cats began to act crazy. They were in the corner of the apartment with their tails bushed out as big as I had ever seen them, staring up into the air. It was as though they were seeing something in mid air. I said only half jokingly, "Meg, don't scare the cats" through the tears, and the cats settled down but continued to stare into space. In my heart I heard the words, "Mom it is okay, stop blaming yourself I love you and I have never been happier as there is no suffering for me now". I was immediately filled with so much love I was overwhelmed and the sadness vanished. Since that day I have been free from the guilt that had eaten at my heart for 3 1/2 years.

Megan like her mom, lived a life of spiritual dilemma. Vacillating between various spiritual and religious doctrines and modes of thought, she sought for answers to life's hard questions. One of the ways she and I connected the strongest was in this spiritual search we were both on. We talked into the wee hours of the morning on many occasions about the nature of life and God. We both had strong beliefs in the world of the spirit and struggled to reconcile them with our Mormon upbringing. We both knew there is life after death and used to joke that who ever went first would find a way to let the other know if it were true. I am convinced she has let me know that, and continues to do so when I long for her. Megan knows how much I love thunderstorms, the more violent the more I love them, they have always been a source of comfort for me somehow. We had a forecast of only a 40% chance of showers this morning and the entire time I have been writing this lightning and thunder have been booming. Say what you will, but for me this was a little gift from my daughter in my time of sadness.

I do miss her terribly but know she is with me and my family. When we lost my grandson a year ago her presence was again very strong as though she was with him. As his twin sister fought for her life in the NICU, I know Megan and Little Lafay who we lost, were with baby Rachel and helped her to survive. I have written about her survival in another entry, Miracles in the NICU, if you are interested.

Though I would give anything to be able to hug and hold my daughter, right now this cannot be. I am comforted in the knowledge that she watches over me and the family, and that love and relationship do survive the grave. In honor of Megan I share these thoughts with all of you. If you have lost someone they are only gone from this earth realm, they are very much alive in the world of spirit. I believe with all my heart they are with us and their love for us has only increased, as they have found the peace that can only come from being in the presence of God. I pray my words bring comfort and hope to any who have lost a loved one.

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