by Laura Clements

Created on: June 12, 2008

This may be the most blunt article ever written, but it is only from first hand experience. There are two different sides to this. If the spouse is willing, and I mean whole heartedly, not feeling guilty type of willing, that is one thing. I will be honest most people aren't.

Taking care of an elderly parent is a huge strain. As a child of that person, you feel obligated to care for them. You should care for them. That doesn't mean to take them into your home.

There is already so much stress inside a marriage without outside influences. The art of marriage is how you handle and diffuse that stress. Now add children, finances, work, everyday life, and any other problems that could be existing (i.e. abuse, alcoholism, drugs, etc.) Statistics say marriage will probably not survive that alone.

Now, take someone that is probably ill, be it mentally or physically, and ask someone who is not their child to care for them. It is a brutally difficult job.

My situation came from something similar, instead of it being an elderly parent, it was a mentally handicapped sibling. She was brought to our house, and basically left there. We took her in, of course, what else would we do? Had it been more planned, this could have been handled the correct way, but it was not.

My husband and I were not yet married, or even engaged when his sister came to live with us. Through the 4 years that she was our guest, I will be honest, I felt like an outsider in my life. We had got married, had a baby, bought a house, and still the house did not feel like it was mine. It was the feeling you get when you have out of town guests, and you keep looking at the calendar to see when they are going to be leaving.

This tore me apart! I am a very caring and compassionate person, so for me to have these feelings was a constant internal conflict. I started to feel resentment for my husband. It was actually tearing my marriage apart. To the point where I told my husband I cannot live my life like this. She had let a stranger into our home one day, and this puts my children at risk. Everything we would go to do, we couldn't because she had to come with us, or we had to be home by a certain time, etc.

To my surprise, my husband understood. I am sure it was not easy for him, but he understood the situation that had come about. To this day, I love his sister like my own. We were able to have her placed in a residential facility where they specialize in caring for her. This does not mean that we don't love her. She can visit whenever she likes, and we visit her. She has her life, which I am sure, makes her just as happy.

Don't risk your spouse building resentment, would you expect your kids to carry the same burden?

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