by Allison Tannery

Created on: June 12, 2008   Last Updated: October 31, 2008

Breastfeeding can be wrought with many difficulties. Women can have a difficult time with milk supply, infection of the milk ducts (Mastitis), inversion of nipples, engorgement, or just the incessant demand to eat, from a tiny being never imagined so, well, demanding. Sometimes a NICU stay, or a c-section might interfere with a solid start to the relationship of nursing, but sometimes, just the entire process, while sold as so "natural", is really the least natural feeling of all. And for a first time hopefully breastfeeding mother, the most difficult thing can be just figuring out the basics, and learning to trust that it can be done.

I had envisioned a serene scene in a sunlit window seat, a whisper of a fulfilled grin on my contented face, the child, round and warm, calm and satiated at my breast; an angelic gaze meeting mine, pools of reflections of each other and all those that have gone before and will go on. A Madonna and her child, the two of us would be, taking our place in the history of my ancestors, of all our ancestors, nourishing and nurturing my child. It is a holy task, the sacred duty and privilege of nursing a baby. And would be right with the world. As natural as natural is.

However, my reality was a harrowing first six weeks, consumed with doubt. Doubt of my ability, doubt of his health, doubt that he was ever satisfied, doubt that I'd ever sleep again, and doubt that my nipples would ever survive the shredding. My first baby was what our lactation consultant termed a "barracuda baby". It was as it sounds. And it was exceedingly painful, no matter all the mantra that the "right latch prevents pain". Tell that to my nipples. Repeatedly, my teeny baby boy was observed. Repeatedly he was declared to have an excellent latch.

Yet my breasts suffered mightily those first couple of weeks.

We left the hospital, milk still "not in". I questioned how long I'd have to endure the anxiety of the unknown. Three months, six months? Isn't there an optimal cut off? He seemed to be swallowing well. He seemed satisfied for an hour or two at a time, but that was all. Is that too often to nurse? Not often enough? Some said on demand was fine, my grandmother screamed SCHEDULE! I agonized over how long till the milk comes?

After a C-section, and 2 nights at home, IT hit me. The MILK. I awoke in a unfamiliar sweat, my pajamas soaked along with the sheet all around me. I had erupted. My very small, perky breasts were HUGE, and leaking. And hot, tight like drums (and

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