by Laura Fellows

Created on: June 12, 2008

Love can be pure happiness even though it's one thing that can hurt you the most. As badly as I personally want to fall in love, I have this incredible fear of doing so. Why do I? Don't I want to be "happy?"

My parents divorced when I was seven. It hurt back then, but then I got used to it. It didn't bother me too much, until my eyes really started to open to the world of dating. Now, I'm so scared that I'm not going to find the "right" guy. Both of my parents have been married four times and I have strongly decided that, that is not the life I would like to lead. I don't want to get divorced, especially if I have kids. It's such a tragedy!

I'm so scared that when I get out in the "real world" after high school, I'm NEVER going to find "that" guy. I'm afraid I'll end up desperate and wind up marrying someone I don't truely love and it'll fail miserably. I'm spending so much time as a teenager trying to find a guy that maybe I can be compatible with. I mean, I'd rather know someone throughout my teenage years, and get married when I'm young.

I have this huge issue with trust. So many people throughout my fifteen years of life have let me down, and finally, it's piling up way over my head! There are only a handful of people out in the world that I can full-heartedly say I truely trust. That's another reason why I'd rather get to know someone NOW.

I know that planning your life the way you want, never always turns out how you actually plan it, but I try. I'd like not to marry until after college, and start having kids when I'm twenty-three. I'm so scared that I'm not going to achieve that. What if I don't fall in love until I'm thirty?! What if I NEVER fall in love?

So many things run through my mind on a daily basis about my future and love. Fear definitely always occupies my mind with it. I just can't seem to get away from the fact that divorce is so common. How can you just throw away all those vows?

I ENVY those older couples so much! I want to be one of those people who've been happily married for fifty or sixty years! Even though I'm fifteen, I'm so incredibly jealous of them! They have everything I'll always want, but I'm so afraid I won't have. Those kinds of people give me hope though.

Finally, how can you love without fear? That's something I have yet to discover. I'm determined and all, but I don't think determination can help me on this one.

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