by Virginia Gladhill

Created on: June 11, 2008   Last Updated: June 12, 2008

As I sit here, alone with my thoughts, my mind can't help but to wander. We are half way through the year and already so many things have happened in my life. Some good, some amazing, and some quite dark.

We all go through the same hardships in life at one point or another. The situations may be different, and the circumstances but altimately we end up at the same road. I can't help but to think back on my life and everything that I have been through. All the things that have made me the person that I am.

Sometimes we get so comfortable in our lives, we stop remembering that things can go sour in the blink of an eye. I was off in my own little world, on cloud nine being engaged to a man who has made so many strides in our relationship, to whom has ultimately become my best friend. Planning a wedding, finding a new home and then BAM; it's like an 18 wheeler coming out of the fog and smacking into you with all it's misery.

Don't get me wrong, I have always been the type to take my hardships in stride and to learn from them, which in the end is all you can do. However, when the misery isn't directed towards you personally, others misery hits you on a sub level. Granted things are good now, but in the midst of everything I find myself preparing for a long road ahead.

I find myself wondering, how when his little girl starts to grow and her hardships start to take a toll, how I can be there to help her. That when she asks me "why?", how I will tell an 8 year old child, that her mother dieing was for a reason, a reason she may never know, but a reason all the same. And when she is sick, or hurt, or feeling lonely and wants her mom, how I will ever be able to be a fraction of that to her, regardless of how bad her mother may have been at times.

It's a hard lesson for anyone to learn, but a child...that's the worst. We never saw eye to eye, her mother and I. I am still remorseful all the same. I will be the one to see her growing up, having her first dance, boyfriend, period, teen crisis, and all the wonderful and terrifying things that come along with a child. All saddens me at the thought the it won't be her mom, the one who should rightfully be there.

This life is so beautiful and so....miserable all rolled into one. It's hard to fathom how to deal with something like that at 8. My only wish is that I can be a glimmer of hope in her eyes that life is not all wrong, and in the ashes of something bad, something good can happen too. This whole ordeal has brought me back down to Earth and once again reiterates the fact that bad things happen all the time.

So here I am with me and my alone time. Contemplating all life has to offer, and all that life can take away. I am so grateful for all that I have in my life, as crappy as it can be sometimes. I feel blessed for what I have, and hopeful for what I want to obtain. His beautiful daughter, and the thoughts of the beautiful children we will have makes me breathe a sigh of.......contemptment at the thought of our future together.

In the end, take nothing for granted. The time spent laughing with a friend. The warm embrace at your side. The I love you's. The hugs, the kisses. The moments of "don't chew on that", or, "don't color on the walls!". They all add up to this....frustrating, hilarious, beautiful movie playing through your head in the end. And that my friends....is what a real, full, happy life is made of.

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