by Staci Cool-Ellis

Created on: June 11, 2008

During the course of my awakened hours, and most of them I spend hungover, on any given day there are numerous incidents of off the wall thoughts that pulse through my brain.
Generally speaking, I don't opt to share about ninety nine percent of my thoughts because I prefer to not be locked in a loony bin. I fear that if I share too much, someone will be calling the nice young men in the their clean white coats to come get me. Today though I had a weird post drunken, well, maybe I am still a little drunk, thought that literally had me laughing out loud at myself so I figured what the hell, maybe someone is warped enough to relate. Anyway imagine if you will

I found myself pondering this question today: What would the world be like if the experience of drinking was actually totally opposite?

Instead of drinking to get a buzz, everyone was actually constantly black out level hammered and they had to drink themselves sober. Bars would serve stuff like Kool-aid or iced tea for $5.00 a glass. ID would be required to purchase a six-pack of Sierra Mist. Driving sober would potentially get you thrown in the clink. People would do 'water-cooler stands' around the water keg. White people everywhere would never dance in public again. People in bars would complain that the music is too loud. Less babies would be born as the result of a 'night out on the town'. Yet, what I found to be the most hilarious part of this thought in my mind was trying to figure out why the hell someone would decide to be sober.

So, lets say you are always drunk. As a matter of fact, everyone you know is 100% skunk drunk all the time What would truly make a person decide they wanted to be clear headed when they are used to being foggy and blitzed? (For some people I believe this is an actual fantasy.) Now, taking all of that into consideration I had to dig deep down to come up with reasons a person might want to be sober in a world of drunks. I think I may have come up with a number of reasons that could actually occur

* You have run out money from replacing all the cars you've smashed

* You've decided it would be funny to show up sober to work so you can tell your boss where to shove his reports and know he will never remember it

* You get sued and can't afford an attorney so showing up sober to a court full of drunks actually gives you the advantage

* Getting stitches is on your daily to-do list and you don't have medical insurance besides, since the doctors are all hammered you keep getting limbs sewn together on accident

* You are tired of paying alimony and want spouse number 18 to be the real deal so you don't go through 'another divorce'

It's hard to imagine that there would be a Sobriety Anonymous but I suppose it could happen if you start annoying your friends with boringness. An intervention of this sort would be really amusing. Pretty much all your friends and family falling down drunk and laughing trying to force the issue that being sober is wrong. I can actually envision a group of drunks smacking a bottle of Evian out of someone's hands and yelling about how they need to 'stop being such a sad sack loser whose ruining their fun by being lame and unintoxicated'.

Welp, there you have it. That's my whack-job thought for the day. Now, I think I need to go drink some more wine and imagine a world with no grapes

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