by TC Crumpton

Created on: June 11, 2008   Last Updated: June 22, 2008

Mommies Don't Leave;

I sat hugging myself tightly on the balcony of the Golden Sands Hotel. My body shivered violently, attributed in part to the 45-degree Carolina Beach air, but mostly to crippling indecision. I stared blankly into the icy blackness of the sea, sending bold gusts of wind to dry my tears as quickly as they fell. As I studied the blue ripples of the pool five stories below, I contemplated climbing onto the rail. I would spread my arms like the hawk preparing for flight and soar to my demise.

I felt my body tense at the reality of the sharp stinging pain when my skin smacked the frigid water. I saw the blood flow from my skull with the crack against the concrete casing. I felt the life inside of me gasping for air as my lungs filled with water, the life I created with an otherwise attached man. The lights surrounding my blue death trap flickered out along with my thoughts of ending our lives.

What a strange sound "our lives" made as it escaped my lips. The reality that I was unquestionably not ready for a responsibility of such magnitude was of no consequence now. My face was raw, red, and threatening windburn. I stepped into the warmth of my room. As I slid the door shut, I banished the chill in the air as well as the chill in my soul as I dialed the number to connect me home.

Alongside the tiny mortal resting inside my womb, I felt hope rise. With the words of a brilliant man, the ache subsided. My dark-haired savior could have recited Shakespeare or sung "Old McDonald Had a Farm". His voice alone gave me much needed strength. As our conversation ended, I dozed off into a tranquil sleep. I felt safe, a feeling more genuine than any feeling I had ever known. Three months later, we were married. At some point after that fateful night, I lost sight of truth, as though a piece of me flew from that balcony to wonder the sea.

February 17, 2000 should have been a glorious day. I was to marry that brilliant man at 6:00 p.m. Far from the giddy bride to be, I was crazy with doubt, fear, and a myriad of other exquisitely negative emotions. To exclude excitement entirely would not be fair, however overshadowed it may have been. I credited a sizeable amount of my apprehension to my ambiguity concerning the condition and manner of our union.

Marriage had never been of great consequence in my vision, although had it been, it indeed would have been in less haste and involved a great deal more preparation. A mere nine days since proposed to and there I was in my

• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• Next Page >>