by Elizabeth Rogers

Created on: June 11, 2008

Opening up emotionally involves a willingness to face pain and deal with issues in relationships. In general, people are more self-protective than they would like to admit and fairly quick to look for an escape route out of a tight spot as opposed to doing the hard work of creating a healthy environment with enough emotional air for all involved. The first step in getting your partner to open up emotionally, then, is to take a deep look inside of yourself, find the places that hurt when they are touched, and expose them to the truth.

When we attempt to get someone else to open up, we are assuming the role of one who should be opened up to, maintaining a bit of an edge over the other person. The most effective way of opening channels of communication and sharing trusted vulnerability is to begin heading in that direction ourselves. That is a risk, and it shines a light on what we are asking of the other person.

The next thing that needs consideration is what it is about someone else that invites us to drop our guard. We want to be safe more than we want to be secretive. We long to be loved far more than we want to be lonely. We don't truly expect to avoid pain in life, but we do hope for kindness, forgiveness and personal acceptance as we grow in ways that improve our lives and the lives of those around us. Are we creating that kind of environment for the people we want to have open themselves up to us?

After we deal with these things in ourselves we can begin to entertain hopes for our partner and for an emotionally vulnerable relationship that is worth the risks involved. We should not offer the false notion that the other person's behavior will always be found acceptable, because we have come to terms with the fact that ours is not always acceptable either, and we are working towards healthy goals. We cannot promise that we will never ask our partner to change, as if loving someone means that we cover for them with excuses and exemptions from normal relational expectations. We can offer to listen without judging, to walk along beside and to be an encouragement in life.

We may never get another person to share every part of themselves with us that we feel we would like them to share. All people have private thoughts, joys and struggles. They are private because they are deeply personal in nature and each individual has a need to be just that, an individual. We need to honor that private place in ourselves and in others. As we respect each other as respectable people, we will find ourselves sharing more deeply and living more fully in relationship. Opening up with a partner is a two way deal with neither person having a perceived advantage over the other. Walking it out together is what a relation ship is all about.

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