by Ted Onulak

Created on: June 11, 2008   Last Updated: September 27, 2008

Ah, Good Old Dad! Hard working, minimally complaining and recipient of numerous bad Father's Day gifts. My brother and I are well aware of bad gifts since more than a few found their way into our otherwise peaceful home. Here are some basic criteria on what kind of gifts to avoid.

First never give him a gift, which might hurt your kids. The first big no-no was a home hair cutting kit, complete with electric shears. My Dad loved it, as he would be saving tons of money by not taking us to the barbershop. This warmed the cockles of the old man's parsimonious heart. Alright, you say, if he loved the gift so much, what was the problem?

In the summer days of our childhood, we would get the kind of haircut we would call a "Beezer", "buzz saw" or "white walls". All of them Marine-short, with the "white walls" being a style, which called for the sides of your head being practically bald. We loved the old man dearly, but he was a menace with that thing. We would wiggle and squirm getting at least two or three nicks in the process. It was a vicious circle; the more we squirmed, the more we got cut, the more we got cut the more we cried and the more we cried the louder he would yell. One of my brother's ears is a half-inch lower than the other to this day.

As the eldest, I usually went first, and when I was done, I called to my little brother, "OK, john the Baptist, you're next." My secret fantasy for years was to tie my Dad to a chair and shave his head.

Things that he can hit you with are right out. Ping-pong paddles, pool cues, big salad tongs fall in that category. One Father's Day, we gave Dad a new cowhide belt and when he saw the dents we made in the line of parked cars in front of the house by trying to walk on top of the cars without touching the ground, I'll tell you, that belt did more than hold up the old Man's pants!

Another thing was never taking him out to dinner. My Mom was a great cook and any place we went he was sure to complain about the food. The most common complaints were that the food was lousy or the check was an affront to every workingman in America. When we got home, Mom would usually have to fix him something to eat to calm him down. We got him a charcoal grill once, and my Mom muttered under her breath all afternoon, making hamburgers and fighting grease fires.

Another pitfall is to avoid presents that will make the poor guy work. The main offender is stuff you have to put together. Avoid boxes that say, "Minimal assembly required". This means

• 1
• 2
• Next Page >>