by Christine Dunbar

Created on: June 10, 2008

First things first, what age difference are you dealing with? Depending on the answer you have several possible solutions:

1) Discuss the mater in a timely manner. If you wait until your belly is obviously bigger and the house has filled with baby "stuff" then it's too late. If your child is older and comprehends this, you'll be dealing with more than just jealousy of the younger sibling if you don't.

2) Help him/her to identify with being an older brother or sister. Point out friends and family that have younger siblings, get a book or two regarding the topic. Not only are there some good ones out there for your child but there are also good ones for you too. Try Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too by Adele Faber, and Elaine Mazlish. Or for your child check out Bratty Brothers and Selfish Sisters: All about Sibling Rivalry by R. W. Alley, or for the little ones Waiting for Baby by Annie Kubler (series).

3) Once the new baby arrives it is important to have "family time" where every one is involved but also to continue time with your older child(ren). It will be impossible to devote hours to the older one as you do the newest; but setting aside a special day will greatly help the situation. I know, its easier said than done; but an important skill in parenting is the ability to time things...If your having another child odds are you're good at this!

My final suggestion is to ask your family for help, and if the don't live close enough ask a friend. Sometimes being able to "get away" from our stress helps us as adults to cope. Children are the same way; sometimes they need an escape too. By involving a relative or a close friend you're also including another adult in the situation. Again children are a lot like we are, they need to vent just like we do. Having another adult around gives them someone other than mom or dad, whom they might feel doesn't understand. Being able to rationalize problems on their own will help them to feel more independent, and more "grown up".

My parents never made me help out with my little brother, and I don't think parents should never expect it of the older sibling. An older child will definitely resent having to spend their time on their younger sibling. Some say it will encourage a closer bond, but I disagree. My parents never made me help; they taught me how to help, and that made me want to be involved. I agree that siblings should be included in planning before the baby arrives; however, by forcing them to help doesn't teach responsibility.
Try teaching them; or showing them how they can help.

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