by Richard Hefty

Created on: June 10, 2008   Last Updated: June 12, 2008

As an American who is concerned with the security of our country, I am glad we are finally having this debate. It is of the utmost importance to routinely take inventory of the most powerful resources of our great nation. While it is a given that Chuck Norris wins this contest-fists down, I feel it is only right to begin by giving Jack Bauer his props.

Having paid attention to his every move over the past few years, I have noticed one thing. Jack Bauer can routinely go an entire 24 hours...a VERY stressful 24 hours...without peeing. He never excuses himself from the gunpoint interrogation to "use the little boy's room". He never even has that embarrassing wet spot as the bomb counts down to 1 nanosecond before exploding. That is definitely grace under pressure. However, the ability to resist wetting yourself in stressful situations does not let you beat Chuck Norris. Sorry, Jack.

I will attempt to lay out my argument in a logical manner, even though Chuck Norris cannot truly be explained-only experienced. Let's begin with appearance.

Chuck Norris has a beard of epic proportions. It's not about the length...otherwise ZZ Top would also be indestructible. It's about perfection. Study "The Beard". It's perfect. Not a hair out of place. Not a thin patch in sight. It hides the mass carnage that lurks just below its surface. Legend has it that Chuck does not actually have a chin, just another fist hiding under his beard.

As for Jack Bauer, has anyone noticed that he looks remarkably like Sonny Gilstrap from "The Cowboy Way"? THAT dude wasn't even as tough as Woody Harrelson! If he can't look like someone who is tougher than Woody from "Cheers", how does he expect to beat someone like Chuck Norris who killed a rat with only his teeth in "Missing In Action".

Appearance battle? TKO, Chuck Norris.

Actual fighting skills? Again, advantage Norris. While Jack Bauer can disarm nuclear devices and take out international terrorists, he always has the advantage of good equipment. Like MacGyver, he's good with whatever he has at his disposal. Whether provided with high tech GPS devices or top of the line firearms, it's no debate that he is very skilled at utilizing them to their highest capability. Unfortunately for him, there is a reason that the medical community refers to death as "Chuck Norris Disease". Given the chance to square off in an ring-with nothing but their bare hands, Jack Bauer would cease to exist faster than you can say "Young Guns II".

The final deciding factor is a fairly simple one, when you think about it. Was Jack Bauer asked to represent the premiere fitness product of our time? I think not. Only Chuck Norris was chosen to eductate us all on the benefits of The Total Gym. Ok, Chuck Norris and Christie Brinkley...but hey, you gotta figure that was one of Chuck's requirements.

Director: Mr. Norris, we're so happy to have you here with us. We are honored that you would use The Total Gym. Is there anything that we can get for you?

Chuck Norris: Christie Brinkley. Bring me Christie Brinkley.

10 minutes later, The Uptown Girl was on the set. (Chuck Norris did this due to a longstanding grudge with Billy Joel. She jilted Billy, but was at Chuck's bidding.)

When it comes down to it, an actor plays Jack Bauer. Chuck Norris is played by nobody. He is himself, and that's enough. Anytime he walks into a room, it's a cameo appearance. This is basically like asking, "Who would win in a fight between Chuck Norris and a TV Script?". Several lucky paper cuts aside, the script has no chance. Jack Bauer will from now on be known as "The Script"...and he will soon line the cage of Chuck Norris' parakeet-which happens to be a bald eagle.

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